Sunday, 4 March 2018

My twins grew up - am I sad?

Returning from the final destination of our 18th birthday celebrations I quietly sit and wonder what I should be feeling.  

As I Mum, I've worked so hard to raise the twins to be amazing people - and they are.  Doing this as a single mum has been a total joy.  There's nothing negative to say about it at all.  Without having my children, I definitely would not be the person I am today.
As they receive my love, freely I give more.  Easily. Willingly.   So, you might say, I'm very proud.  

Spending time together is amazing. Always we have created adventures and seen places with gasps of Wow in the air.  Most travel is accompanied by a little stress through security, passport control and long queues. This is the bit I favour the least.  After getting though the other side, coming home to a little housework which really can't straighten out the neglect that has taken away the warmth of my Home while I worked way too hard these past 4 years or so, I notice a change.

My daughters boyfriend has surprised her with a return trip similar to the one we have just returned from.  My son off to his girlfriends instantly.  They have plans to travel now too.  None of this I mind.  On the contrary.  It's a wonderful experience for them and I'm so pleased they have found their own wanderlust and independence.  A job well done.  Well done me.

My fluffy dog, in need of a haircut, makes a fuss of me and I aim to sit on the floor sorting through the suitcases.  Wondering.  What should I feel right about now?  Proud of course. Excited for them.  
An air of excitement for myself perhaps. For I can see adventure coming my way too.  When my time caring for mum is done I plan long haul trips with my laptop 'working' with the wanderlust in mind. It'll be great. Of course my twins will always need me.
Perhaps, no not perhaps, this IS my time.  Time to enjoy the life I should have had in my 20s but knew nothing except for work.  Time to make even more amazing new friends, to spend more time with the older friends who have stuck around so long while this Tazmanian devil does her thing.
Opening up to brand new experiences and doing my best to let happiness flow with ease.  

Aiming not to feel even a little bit heartbroken, yet knowing this is the way it will be.  Reflecting and changing the way I look at things.  Keeping that eye on the prize of Joy. As many days as is possible.

Just as the lyrics of a song which echoed in my ears this weekend in Paris, I hope I can be a part of their world.  Our unbreakable bond is truly magical.  With the best will in the world right now, A little piece of my heart is broken.  While I also just love that I have seen them bloom and grow.  

Time for me now?

© Louise Usher. All rights reserved.