January said...

 

A new week? New year? New working opportunities? Or just labels which fuel anxious pressures?

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The tree is on the driveway now, shedding needles. ‘Don’t you get them in your feet,’ Mum would yell when we were children.

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Excitement we felt heading into Kings wood farm to choose our tree is history now, seeming long ago. Christmas, something to be excited about at last, was the twinkle in our eyes, our reason to smile. We would wake with those fuzzies and switch on the warm white fairy lights in the darkness of the early morning. We still felt the magic of Christmas, despite 2020.

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Now I stand in the starkness of the clean and tidy living room and nod. ‘Hmm, nice and tidy,’ I think as I look around. Yup. Nice and tidy. Fact.

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Has it gone; that magic? Or have we closed ourselves to it instead? After all, it is January. That bleak, dark and cold month which carries a thousand pressures to catch up at work, adhere to new shiny rules the boss saw fit to create. January is long.

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Of course, we could decide to leave those anxieties on the pillowcase as we begin this working week. We might realise that this is just like any other day, except for the label we have given it. Pressures were there in December; but with fairy lights. Seeming to have the answers to that magic feeling, the decorations and the Christmas warmth enveloped us with its love. Now they are gone. So it’s down to you. And me. It’s up to us to own this day, smash the worries to pieces. We have totally got this in control and we are going to see the magic in January too. Because that is simply who we are.

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We are strong. We are achievers. We want the best for ourselves and those around us. Facing January darkness, we need excitement here too.  Warm scarves, flasks in the car, working from home with hot water bottles, lighting candles. Finishing the day with a proud sigh, eating slow cooked meals in front of the fire. Early nights and less rushing around, and of course, memories of the love we felt from those who mattered just last week. If we didn’t feel it, they didn’t matter.

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‘Let’s do this.’ January said.

2020’s fault?

 2020’s fault?

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It’s not 2020’s fault. 2021 doesn’t hold the holy grail. No new answers will happen overnight as we sing auld lang syne. Microorganisms will still roam.

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2020 is a number we have given to a period of time, knowing that time doesn’t exsist.  It’s a measurement that we can relate to in order to co-ordinate ourselves with each other. 2021 is another number which we shouldn’t crown as an amazing milestone to reach. Rather, look back over these last twelve months in order to realise the strength we have all needed to grow into the amazing humans we are on New Years Eve.

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Placing hope in the midnight stoke is setting up for failure. Placing hope in the future self is positivity.  We can make the next steps happen, we can face challenges we previously thought unimaginable, and we can know how awesome we are in our own strength.

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The end of this crazy year is here. We have all labelled 2020. Look at the beauty in those numbers: 2020. Such a pleasing sight on the front of my journal which holds many words describing my feelings through this year. Such a huge year of achievements for so many of us. Please don’t let yourself forget that, among the sadness of the myriad of segments.

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I have learned so much about me, who I am, and how I love. I tried to harden my heart but I love openly and totally and that simply can’t change.  A stranger in the street, my girlfriends, my children, a lover; I love in totality and this is me.

Our time in this global challenge has given me wonderful clarity into what makes me happy.

Giving up the scales has been empowering and I have loved that. I feel happier in my own skin than ever, even when it feels physically bruised.  My aunt said she loves me, and ‘you’re smashing,’ which was a life changer to that little girl in me.

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Mentally, I’ve a way to go in relation to feeling loved and allowing past hurts to float away into non-resistance but the history of life shapes us into our current selves through lessons and scars.

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Scars never heal completely but they hold power in shaping us to strut into our future with a flick of the hair and a wink back at the past ‘us’.