Don't stop believing

Hospital radio plays in my ears through the earphones.

An acoustic version of Don't stop believing.  

About what?  That life is good?  That we are all here to experience the joy of life.  Well I know that one and have been preaching to you guys for some years now. Although let's face it, we have our ups and downs, we are human beings.  It's what we do.

As another trolley and its squeaky wheels enters the ward right on time to take the patients blood tests I find myself feeling grateful.  Thankful for these amazing staff who not only have such tremendous patience but for the science of medicine and what it can do.  By medicine of course I mean health and the science that goes with it.  

Hospital radio produces a magazine. Immediately my entrepreneur thoughts see my advertising my nutritional services within there.  Gosh, like I don't have enough to do.  Just then I spot in the magazine that there is a need for radio presenters.  I should do that.  Entertain the patients.  I could help.  Then I remember my dream.  My dream of slowing down a little, enough to respect my health, this body, this vehicle for my spirit.  

The accompanying guitars ring beautifully in my ear.  I feel a love for this music once again. Something that has been slipping away.  Just like my thoughts.  Those positive thoughts seem to be escaping from me.  I know just as you do that the law of attraction needs working on. It's not like we forget, we just slip into the rhythm of life.  Get carried along in the negativity and the processes that often distract us from our meditation, our health kicks and our positive thinking.  

Being at the hospital so much just now, I remember just how far I have come in fixing my health - remembering the permanent underlying issues.  Yet able to ignore them if only we eat right, exercise right, sleep right.  The canteen shows a poor show of options for those with gut issues.  Pie and chips,  soup with wheat base,  sandwiches galore, if you are lucky a jacket potato, large enough to spike your blood sugar into space which of course gives us an insulin issue - then of course there is Mrs Crimbles, the promise of a gluten free coconut macaroon, seen often within the shelves.

My stomach has reminded me.  Take care.  

My eyes watering with allergies, my heart heavy with sadness.  

Thankfully, keeping within the now seems to be amazing for my mental health.  There is no time to think  - no time to be glum.  

Life is still good, still meant to be good.  

I won't stop believing.  Are you with me?

The promise of 2017 in cardiology

The promise of a new year.  2017.  As the media, the public and the laymen happily rang out 2016 with the wearing of black as we said farewell to the biology of so many talented individuals, we started 2017 with hope.

Everyone being sure 2017 has got to be better than its predecessor. 

My family sighed with relief too as we rang in the new year (me in my nightwear in the middle of a dairy farm in Wales).  Last year was full of worry and tragedy.  Yet we made it through.  Stronger as  a family than ever.  My knowledge of the brain stem, strokes and death far more inscribed in my brain than before as we celebrated the life of my 74 year old father.

We miss him, of course.

With those words of "Mum will live to 100" coming back to haunt me, we rushed her into casualty with a pulse of 45,  stars in her eyes and feeling as though she would lose consciousness at any minute.  

"Heart block" the paramedic had explained.  

The second ECG at hospital showed progession from 1st degree to 2nd degree as they took Mums blood from her bruised vein.  Tropotin was through the roof.  This is an enzyme released by damaged heart cells.  This showed us mum had an MI.  A heart attack.

Her care was fantastic.  Right away, fragmin in her belly, aspirin down her throat and canulas a plenty.  Recussitation trolley all day long gave her a 'bum ache' as she laughed along with the nurses.  This was very serious.  Yet her spirit remained unscathed as I quoted her on Facebook so her friends could see her sense of humour was definitely not harmed.  

A week in intensive care,  a stent in the Right Coronary Artery which was 99% blocked, left one showing a few signs,

echocardiogram showing 'significant damage' to her heart muscle and constant monitoring showing me that she was missing beats.  They called them Blips to Mum.  That was all she needed to know.  I researched and researched and took photos of her trace to send to my contacts in the know.  Turns out their diagnosis via mobile phone was right, Mobitz 2.  

Making the most of Mum,  having her home with us, I was immediately thankful.  Until I realised the sounds of Phil and Holly presenting on This Morning right behind my desk was very distracting.  

Can I cope?  Can I continue my studies, work and look after mum, Scott and the twins?  Of course I can.  I can do anything I put my mind to!

Up against it, yes.  

Not beaten.

What am I doing to my family with my anxiety?

Thoughts.

They drive me bananas.  I can't help it despite my very best efforts to try.  The law of attraction has me wondering.  How can I know what I know about the vibrational energy, have anxious thoughts and be left with terrible things happening to my loved ones?

This time 17 years ago I was being induced and bringing two beautiful new souls into the world.  This time last year I had just heard devastating news about my lovely Dad, just one floor below the joyous maternity unit.  Then fast forward to today and here I have sat all week at the bedside of my lovely Mum in intensive care.  Bless her.  She has pretty big heart issues and I'm not sure what God was thinking when he dealt just the one heart...
Maybe after losing Dad and my brother at the age of 31, I can't help thinking the worst but I really feel I need to stop these thoughts.  
Am I manifesting?

No.  In a word you cannot manifest stuff that isn't meant to happen.  While we know what The Secret says,  there are bigger forces guiding us in directions we are supposed to travel.  

Quit the worry and the anxiety.  Try and find something good in every day.  My good part of the day was holding mums hand.  The bruises changing colour every day following her angioplasty, her wrinkled skin showing the folds for every year she washed up without marigolds. Her wisdom escaping her as she makes up new stories and creates confusion with her symptoms among staff.  
"Oh Margaret I do love your spirit." Smiles the genius nurse as she delivers the commode with a courtesy. "Here is the throne ma'am." As if mum was the Queen. 

Returning with a fresh jug of cold water for mum to drink, the nurse thanks me with honest gratitude for helping.  Well, that's my mum.  I should take care of her.  I should help her.  I must help her.  Please God let her come home.  Please God don't take her on my twins birthday.  Please God grant me the patience to take care of her, the strength to do so and the practical fluff that goes with caring for someone.
Do I work?  Do I quit?  Does the universe wish for me to write full time and create my Youtube full time?  
University has been skipped right when we are learning all about Mucosal immunity.  Perfect for my subject of choice, Crohns and stuff...I could do some online, I could read at the bedside.  Days roll into one as the bedside gets so busy.  Doctor comes around with the always-unused stethoscope, draped around his neck, floating with the keen registrars in his shadow.  Beautiful English accent with hair needing shampooing,  he floats in and floats out like the genius he is.

Chatting in the relatives room there is an air of sadness.  The reality of the circle of life hits home.  Will our loved ones pull through?  How do we live without them?  Comforting a man with red eyes just by asking how he is gives me a sense of helping while words escape me.  There are no words. I tell him, "I have no words, yet I do feel your pain."
Thank God my Scott seems over his panic with his myocarditis.  

All I can do here and now is give my mum the laughs she so loves,  moisturise her and get a flannel to wash and all these other things that come with such hopeless practicalities.  

Deep breath;  meditate.

Louise xoxo