I'm just a woman who...lost her muse

Passion filled my muse until just a few days ago. Now I can’t find it, even though I tried.  

Last night I was shattered as I popped up the TV at the end of my bed. Author Angela Anne on my YouTube with a ‘day in the life’ video usually gets my creative passions flowing. Nothing did.  I have never felt like this before. It isn’t writer's block.

I’m just a woman who has lived a lot of life and has a story to tell. 

When they told me that my story ‘has legs’ I was more than excited.  Pushing my dream that I’ve carried as a little girl – since I could pick up a pencil. Long letters to Grandparents were written, until I was old enough for pen pals  - write, write, write.  It was my peaceful place.  Sitting on my floor, leaning on my bed, writing by hand. 

After a very tricky science degree in biochemistry of nutrition and medical things, I decided to be a science writer; great! An MA in creative writing swerved that into writing creative non-fiction, and ‘they’ liked my stories.  The experts.

I’m just a woman wanting to share my story of hope, and winning against the odds. 

My book spans 20 years and sees heartbreak, infertility, miscarriages, poverty, homelessness, single parenthood.  The point in it all? I want someone to pick up my book, read the story and think, “If she can do it, I can do it,” and believe that maybe they can find some strength to turn their life around too.  

I could have crumbled but instead, I worked, I got the bit between my teeth and made life happen, all while being a good parent. Learning all the things that help you create a life you love helped me to manifest my desires.  Except every so often, there is a bump in the road and along comes something to test me again.  Have I used all the strength I had? 

One bad critique shouldn’t stop me. But it would. I need to be accepted, approved of, given a thumbs up. Those who have read it usually go crazy for this book yet publishing it might just find other critics who are disapproving. Which leaves me in a place of hanging up the quill. Just for now.  Just to take some time out to focus on health, life stuff which needs catching up with and to travel to hotter places with salty seas and blue skies. 

I missed my blog. The journaling I do daily is a practice I love, but I still have missed the blog.  So, I’m back, on Fridays, with some story, or a short few paragraphs of writing, like the one I will publish tomorrow.  You see I still want to write, but I want you to love my writing.  Perhaps over time, I will share more of the big project on here but I’m very undecided about publishing it right now. 

This blog was born from finding a love of the law of attraction and wanting to share that with you.  Now I expect disapproval, I am manifesting that so for a short time I will regain my faith in my audience and share some of my short stories here. Hoping to manifest readers who adore my work and motivate me to share more.

If they can do it, I can do it.

Sacking the pseudonym

You might know by now, I'm a writer.  Full time.

Blessed indeed.

I love it.

This past weekend I was on a writers workshop which is part of my Creative writing MA Post grad degree.  The inspiration in the room was something else.   Like minded writers all following dreams within the room as sunshine streamed through the windows.  We didn't mind at all that we were missing the nice February weather outside.  Our muse kept us glued to our seats. 

Writing creative non-fiction was always the plan.  Weaving some science and nutrition through my words in order to help spread the word of chronic disease and lifestyle choices.  As time has gone on, I have realised more and more I totally adore writing stories to the point that these stories have to be written and shared.  Yep! No choice.

Fiction poured out of me as I began to plan the next part in my novella Delayed.  I love this story and the twists and turns it took as I started to draft an outline was both exciting and a little thought provoking.  
One of our exercises was also to rewrite little Red Riding hood. Which was incredible.  The story took so many crazy forms around the room and I LOVED it.  So, fiction needs to be a part of my life, I knew this with certainty. 

Over on Instagram and my other website, I have embraced a pseudonym (Faraday Wren) to write the fiction under. Yet now I feel I am way more likely to be writing creatively rather than scientifically and I am going to just simply write it all as Louise Usher and forget the pen name.  Of course I will weave science and health throughout my writing but primarily, it is time to live the dream and write stories.  Some true, some less so, some completely factual. 

The future feels so exciting to me and I became really overwhelmed this Monday when i filmed my Motivational Monday video. It is crazy how excited I am to be writing my stories and I completely love the writing process.  Check out the video here and also go see the Faraday website while it is still live.  I will be bringing the blogs over here really soon. 

Anstey Harris The Truths and Triumphs of Grace Atherton

Anstey Harris is the author of The Truths and Triumphs of Grace Atherton.




Thankfully, I had the absolute pleasure of meeting Anstey in summer 2018.  Following my acceptance onto the MA programme for Creative Writing I felt I really ought to get up to speed with a  little extra education and saw a short course up for grabs under the watchful eye of Anstey.

With vocabulary to demonstrate the glass half full within her teaching that summer, I felt at home in my new writer world.  Of course, only to be further impressed when this talented author showed us a copy of her book which was soon to be released by Simon and Schuster.

Finding the authors lurking over on Twitter was a great way of keeping in touch and knowing where to find them.  Anstey has kept her twitter page up to date with all of the upcoming signings for the book.

I, for one will be going along with excitement.  You might even spot some up and coming authors from my university cohort as we are all going to pick Ansteys expert author brain!

Where and when?

You can find the book and signing at Waterstones, Rose Lane, Canterbury in Kent on 

Saturday 16th February between 14.30-16.00

THE uplifting novel of 2019 is coming in January. Grace is about to fall out of love and into life in The Truths and Triumphs of Grace Atherton…#GraceTriumphs @Anstey_Harris pic.twitter.com/QIWqUcisSs

— Simon & Schuster UK (@simonschusterUK) November 29, 2018

My next few blog posts will be sharing stories of my own writer journey following some short pieces we created on Ansteys course.

Hope to see you at the book signing!

Louise xoxo 

Working as a digital expert

I woke with a need to get clearer.  Honestly, life can't be as tough as I am making it. This is for sure.  First things first, these nails need to go. Typing with talons is not working for me.  Yet they are so weak and break at the slightest knock argh.  Ok, slowly slowly catchy monkey.

What exactly do I need?  I think I need more energy to do the things I want to do with my work. I definitely need more exercise to help with this painful back which has been really bad of late.
There is a need in me to earn a little more money and I sense I know how that is going to come. I want to really help those who have no choice but to work online.  This digital age is so definitely the way forward and so many of us are now able to create a business by fitting it into the hours we want to by stepping things up a gear and getting things done as and when we can and want to.  Some people want something so flexible so they can travel, others due to family life and wanting to be there for their children.  I was so lucky I didn't miss anything with my children. Although there was 1 night each week when they stayed at mum and dads and I took myself dancing.  Which was fab for all concerned.  
Of course then there are those who will struggle with working the regular 9-5 due to health. I definitely couldn't do it anymore. I know this. When i try to do one day at 'a job' which involves being with people face to face, walking around, climbing stairs, trying to find something for lunch, it's all simply too much and takes me about 3 days to get over it. This said, when I work from home, my energy is boundless and I can keep going on until I drop.  Kind of.  Sometimes. But it's doable, that's the point I'm making.

With mum in the mix, I feel my mind is constantly thinking, is she ok? what might she need? is today the day I'm safe to travel to london? Will the kids be able to deal with something if it happens? Can I be present in my kitchen to do some pottering or is she going to have those set hours to get her tea? All these things go around and around.  It is exhausting. Although I wouldn't have her anywhere else. 

Waiting for the time to be right to start mentoring people who need to sell their products online is something that is likely to be similar to "How long is a piece of string?" in that, it'll never happen.

Now is very likely to be the time when I need to grab the bull by the horns and do what I know I am good at, and begin to promote these things. 

So, how do I think I can do this?
Deciding on those businesses I want to be a part of is a good start.  Signing up and doing all that goes with that to begin with and to let my current following know of opportunities that are out there for them too.  

Sidenote: this is the most precious morning here as I sip my coffee and my dog is snuggled up against me, bless him. Snoring and a little smelly.  I just adore these moments.

Loving my laptop lifestyle today

Right, so touching base with my business every day and getting it automated as much as possible will help.  Creating a database of people who I can send emails to once a week with a newsletter and story type of theme catching them up with all that is news in the digital marketing world.  
So, like, my passion is writing and I need to work harder and smarter to get my books out there into the hands of people who will love them.  Ok, so amazon is an incredible platform YES, but the sales won't happen unless you point people in that direction through other mediums too.  And this is where I can come in, this is where I can help people.  

If they want to sell their own products, they can. If they want to be part of an affiliate marketing scheme, they can, should they want to grow their own team online, I will coach them to do this too.  It's all possible and it's all achievable with big results and in a really positive way. Without cheesing off your friends in the meantime.  These are ways which have given MLM a bad name and there is no need to rely on family and friends to do such things.  Instead, there is a definite way forward using the leverage and power of the internet.  The internet is massive enough for us all.  Digital is definitely the way forward. 

Right, time to do my much needed stretches to deal with this terrible Ankylosing Spondylitis and then definitely need to get these nails done....hmm, which colour?


Want to be a part of this informational email list? Sign up to find out more here Working for yourself, from home has never seen a better time.

Post graduate study nerves

Nerves? Me?

I don't do nerves.  But my soul does.

Last night i woke several times. I would have referred to it as excitement.  Yet I quickly realised I was definitely out of my comfort zone.  Not realising I would ever refer to science (especially chemistry) as my comfort zone, but there you are...

They say magic happens outside of the comfort zone.  

Yes, i can believe that to be true.  As while I was swallowing hard with a gulp, I do also think my soul was doing a little jig of joy as my heart swelled with doing what I love. 

Stop overthinking and just write...

Sunday morning perfection

Time to write, to drink coffee, to dog walk.

Rising early as the sun streams through the 6am window, Harley and I decided to get up and out while it's cool for his paws.

Round the block as we used to call it.  Then Starbucks calls.  The best latte I've had since I visited turkey.  More about Turkey in a week or so.  LOTS more.  Lots to tell.

Meanwhile I will aim to get back on track with my writing word count for Nanowrimo. I'm very behind! But determined. As this is absolutely what I love to do! (Want to follow my writer journey where I share purely the juicy stuff? It's the only place you'll find it! Click this).

What fills you with joy on these Sundays?

Did I always want to be a writer?

Way before the days of wanting to become an author (hang on, when was that again as I actually can't remember the days?).  Yes that's right, I have always wanted to write.  As a child, I wrote loads of letters.  Mostly to my Grandparents.  Of course these days email makes it easy and many people write but this is quite a new concept. When I was a child not many people did write to others.  As a teenager, one of my lovely schoolfriends (there weren't many) called Claire, had a total romance with a soldier.  Someone from the Grenadier Guards.  They would exchange letters all the time.  She said there was another guy who would like to have  a pen pal and would I be interested?  Would I be interested?  In receiving mail.  Duh yeah.  And writing it.

I was 15 years old and so far in the naive bracket.  I hadn't thought such emails might need to contain a little flirtation.  What was I like?  Anyhow, you hear my point.

Writing my first novel

During a particularly dark point in my life (mentally and literally through my eyes) I spent a long winter period writing a novel.  Total fiction.  Romance.  I loved it.  It was more than exciting and got me out of bed every morning.

A year or two later I gave it to my friend to read over and she loved it.  She thought I really had something there.  But I left it with her and never collected it again.  I remember it now it was a dusky blue folder.   I remember it so well.

Believing life was supposed to be hard was tough for me as a child.  I thought life was supposed to be difficult and you were not meant to enjoy your work. Now at my age (in my 40s) I am finally beginning to properly challenge this concept.  I want to write full time, for a living.  Could this be a thing?

Mindset

We so often doubt ourselves and our abilities as if you have been raised with a poor mans mindset OR/AND the belief that living the dream can't also be work and earn you a living, you have a journey to go through.  This is something I know so well.

Having been on this journey now for 9 years, I am still not quite where I need to be with my mindset even though I work on it pretty much daily.  The skill set is there although there are always extra skills to learn.  I love to type, take photos, write creatively and tell my stories.  Online marketing is something I love yet still I find myself wanting to learn more as this is definitely something within the digital world I would like to become a part of.  Recently I have met a couple of cool guys online who have created a course which can help me to become a digital expert in order to really morph this dream into a reality. So what is stopping me?

Finding time to write is something I wouldn't say I so much struggle with but it's the actual act of putting my writer dreams first before the family and other work which is currently paying the bills.  Yes, that's definitely it.  It's putting my writer dreams first which cause difficulty.  Ohh that's juicy. 

Digital marketing

What is your dream? ~What lengths will you go to to achieve that dream?  I'm thinking of signing up to this digital academy. If this is something you might want to do, I'd be interested to know. You see the one biggest question I get asked is how exactly do I make money online. It's not one straight forward answer but a long one...multiple streams is the way...

I'm excited for the future.

My writer dream is coming true

Still I write from my bed.  Feeling sore.  More than sore, the pain is intense at times.

Juggling taking care of mother is unpleasant. Those feelings of guilt.  As I wince at the pain one more time, I hear Harley snore at my feet.  He hasn't left my side.  
Crohns is unpleasant and deserves a  lot of respect. I know this.  Nothing new here to see.  Yet this time feels different, rather like how i felt when i was first diagnosed.  Stunned and vulnerable.  

Knowing that feeling of being reminded so very strongly that I must listen.  I must.  


Before today, I was feeling I was being pulled in a direction where there was no choice but to listen to the powers that be.  i was being taken to the place of dreams, yet fighting and screaming at every corner as this simply wasn't what I was raised to believe.  Dreams don't come true.  Not for the likes of me.  You can't possibly live your passions and that be enough. No way. It was all about misery and sweat and toil.  This is precisely what I was taught.  Could I seriously think for a minute that I might be able to do exactly what I'm doing now for my job?  I'm sitting here, totally concentrating on my words which I might add are flowing beautifully as i write my next piece in the novel I have neglected for at least two years - respecting my chronic illness while still being an achiever.

Always i have wanted to write.  Always I have written. Either letters to the grandparents, love letters to less deserving other half or simply in the journal. Of course now we have this digital world and what was once a skill of typing is now a necessity we all must learn for this online society we now enjoy.  Could my writing be improved upon? Probably.  Yet I have stories which simply must be told.  Living with zero regret is an aim in my life.  An aim I currently have achieved.  Yet if I were to pass into the next life with these books still inside me, there is the regret.  As Wayne Dyer said, "Don't die with the music still in you."

For once, the strongest feeling is within me. A feeling that I am going to write and write some more. Allowing myself the indulgence of putting fingers to keys in bed, in the coffee shop, at my desk. All while taking care of mum and the twins, walking Harley when the mood takes me and being able to spend a day nursing my poorly gut.  I could do this. It's the thing.

Tomorrow I see myself getting up and out early. Taking a drive somewhere like the sea front and setting up the tripod.  Filming my story of this transition into a writer.  The story of how miserable I have been while trying to fit in with the world which I find way too hard to deal with.  The people who are so nasty and negative, the clothes you have to wear to look corporate, the schedules of commuting which costs a pretty penny to watch others looking miserably into their coffee cups while rocking their head against the beat of the music within their headphones yet in synch with the rocking of the train. 

It's not me.  

Me is the girl with curly hair.  T shirt and shorts.  Maybe a fleece or hoodie. The girl who wants a tan and make up but when she wants it.  Being a little bit of a hippy.  Living within the trees or taking time out to put my feet in the sand while letting the energy of grounding in nature help me with the flow.  Could this happy life be possible?  The life that sees me able to love my day writing, wherever and whatever.  Enough that people sense the passion and want to know more, buying into my stories, my books, my online videos telling the life story of what is going on.  Could this be that i might possibly earn a little money to pay the bills?

For the first time ever I sense a shift. It's different to before when I wanted to believe it.  This is almost like there is simply no choice but to make things work.  Without giving everything I've got to my writing I will have failed at my own life, my own path, my own blessings and talents.

It's time to step into my truth and my hearts desire and see what happens. Are you with me?

Does this time of year make you feel reflective?

This time of year has me feeling different.  Cosy, a little sad, excited for the future, wanting to pack in everything all at once...

These past few days have been no different.  Lots to think about as we head in to the new year and I even made a video about it which will be going live on Christmas day.  I'm also really hoping to find time to create a flashback video for the past year, as I love those! Adore looking back on memories. Never been any different.  Before this digital era I would goto Boots to get my photos printed within an hour (I also used Truprint, do they still exist?) and I was overwhelmed to see the snaps we had taken.  Spending quite literally hours pouring over them again and again.  However,  I won't promise you or myself that this flashback to 2017 video will happen as there is uni work looming and it has to take some priority (as well as taking care of the family of course!).  Rest assured, I will be posting within a blog post if I can create it! 

What have I been doing these past few days?  Ok, it's been great actually.  Filling me with joy.  Just today, my beauty therapist said she can see my sparkle coming back! YES! That's definitely a want and need of mine.  That spark will be back in full swing in no time, this I know.  Being honest, I do wonder if the can of St Tropez mousse I used might have something to do with it.
Mum telling me, "You look really wishy washy." (whatever that means), prompted me to get out the ol fake tan and try and at least look like I don't have the toxic crohns thing going on.  (Still not been right since I was rushed to hospital recently but seeing Gasteroenterology next week- and no it doesn't just mean I poo lots - it's inflammatory.  Those who know, know but I will write a blog early in the new year all about Crohns over on my nutrition website.)

So back to it.  I went for  session at the garage to try and sort Nathans car. We had a sneaky breakfast on the way home at Frankie and Benny's and thankfully it was super busy with not quite enough staff.  So we had lots of time to chat which was absolutely lovely.  Putting the world to rites, discussing the future of him, me, us as a family and all that jazz.  

This frankie and bennys christmas straw made me grin :)

Jasmine and I spent some time car shopping at Audi.  This was an exciting thing to do.  

Driving to Tunbridge Wells through the trees reminded me of my wonderful times in Scotland and Wales. I love a good tree lane drive! While we were there I was tossing up between two cars and still remain undecided.  One was very pretty but Jas reminded me I was there to find something bigger to fit mums wheelchair in.  Hmm, true.  So I started looking at the Q range.  Loved the bells and whistles inside but I'm still crunching the numbers and Christmas kind of took over...

Teaching Jasmine the art of manifestation in the R8

Mum and I toddled off to church to the Christingle service which was amazing. I would talk about this more but I'm not sure this is the place.  Suffice to say the spiritual me sat up and remembered just how massive the entire universe is.  There is more out there than the little bit of stress in my bubble.

Taking the Christingle to the cemetery and trying to decorate in the same amazing way mum used to...

Visiting mums amazing friends I was overjoyed to make a new German Shepherd friend.  I used to have a German Shep.

I would say she was like this one but my baby was smaller and longer haired... anyhow, recently the friends had been organising Santa and the elves visits on a charity fundraiser for children with illnesses.  I'll find out the charity and report back to you but just look at this set up! Of course Santa isn't there now, he's off getting ready for the present drop during the big day.

Me looking tired but being bored with myself, adding a splash of colour to my hair. 

Days gone by.  Loved him then. Love him now. 

We will speak again soon my friends but for now, enjoy the build up to the big day

Love as always

Louise xoxo

December Vlogmas day 10 - heartbreaks and toothaches

Nerve pain shoots through my ear and eye socket like a bolt of lightning.  "arghhh" I mumble as Jasmine asks what's wrong.
I know I will have to bite the bullet and get an emergency dentist appointment.  Not afraid of much.  Quite  tough cookie. Not when it comes to being reclined in the dentist chair about to face a needle, a drill and some dental work.

But this hurts 

Other hurt fills my life this pre-christmas season this year as other life stuff bubbles to the surface after a long time waiting.  Personal life stuff I cannot get into but suffice to say the positivity of the law of attraction is testing me right now as I decide there are a few good things to always come from the bad stuff...
Which leads me nicely on to next year.  Usually I skip the resolutions as we fail to keep them.

Last year (well, it's still this year isn't it) I made none.  2018 will see me warm myself into jive again. I missed the me who dances.  Part of my dancing feet defines me.  Or rather my dancing feet define a part of me.  She has been MIA for oh so long.  She's coming back.

As long as I have been a student, I have wished to join the choir. I haven't managed it yet.  Promising myself I would at least get along to listen to the beautiful gospel of "Oh Happy Day" ring out through the beautiful painted chapel...sadly that night mum was unwell.

My time.  I must make some of my time.  Meanwhile, I will spend a few minutes looking over these videos and remembering Vlogmas days gone by...


When we put the decorations up in 2014 and I wore that orange jumper...

Then last year you can see me beginning to feel a little confused about my future...

Plus I got all dressed up and went to the Christmas ball this day 2 years ago! What a great night :)

Sending much love to you all, as always

Louise xoxo

;

December 3,4,5th (?) #Vlogmas for the past 3 years

So I already lost track of what I am doing this Vlogmas so thank goodness I am not filming and editing Vlogmas for my Youtube channel.  Imagine?! I crave the day when I can VLOG and Blog to my hearts content. Will this happen next year at Christmas?  Could I possibly plan days of going out filming and finding things with amazing content to create beautiful cinematic videos to show you?

That depends so much on you guys enjoying what I'm sharing and you further sharing with your people too!
Many of you are asking me to share the secrets for making an online business and this will be coming next January for sure. Little snippets through the latter part of the winter and into spring then let's do lots more of that as we head into summer?  If that's something you would like to know more about please do come on down into the comments box and tell me. Knowing lots of you are shy philanthropists, of course I will respond to those inbox messages too! Let me know what you would like to see.  

So here are the videos I have brought out of the cupboard from dusty youtube to show you today.  I particularly love the one where we are at Greenwich watching the choir. I'm thinking back over that memory with great fondness.  We have tickets to go tonight too but mum isn't well enough and neither is she happy to be left so I'm here, working on a case study project, about to diagnose a small boy with iron deficiency anaemia.  

Can't wait to begin to focus on Christmas.

How is your Christmas going?

December 2nd for the past 3 years... #vlogmas

As promised (sorry I'm a day behind but I guess that's kind of how Vlogmas works) here are the past 3 years of me on December 2nd creating a little vlog :)

Hope you enjoy these.  Are you a #vlogmas 'er? If you are please head over to my twitter to share your videos with me as I would love to Rt them for you and also to go have a good look at them myself :) 

2014

2015

2016

Also, do you want to see the one when I speak about the Yankee Candle Advent calendar?

How are your plans going for this Christmas?  Shops are crazy busy aren't they!!!

Much love

Louise xoxo

Shall I quit love? (A Najowrimo excert)

This excert is from my NaJoWrimo efforts as I write each day though July.  In this very open and honest post, you see me talking about why I'm thinking of quitting love.

Releasing this writing and all of July NaJo (with my personal snapshots) will be available in book form on  Amazon soon! Follow this page so you know when! 

July 14^th

The Wonder of You

Strange dreams sees me awakening with an odd feeling inside my heart.  As a bride in the dream I was disappointed.  A five-minute ceremony with strangers I hardly knew left me wondering about love this morning.  Will I ever “have it all”?  Is there such a thing?  I watch couples on this holiday of a myriad of situations.  There is Elvis who sang “Wonder of you” to his wife at Karaoke in between using the microphone as an opportunity to publicly declare his love for this lady.  They were older than me, I would say late 50’s and clearly had lots of love between them.

After Elvis left the stage, his wife pretty much ran from her seat to greet him with love and affection, cupping his face with her hands and planting a proper kiss on his lips.  Not proper as in French kissing but a real, heartfelt, true kiss.  She meant it.  No denying that.  They had a balance between being publically decent and showing true love.  A rare thing I feel these days.  Now when I look around the restaurant I generally see couples who have nothing to say to each other, seem disinterested or even at times one partially turns the chair away.  Of course there is the odd Tut when someone says something the other is frustrated with or has simply lost their tolerance to.  Why is that?  What happened between them?  Would it have been an affair?  Some other form of hurt which broke them forever and never quite allowed things to be the same way again.

Do you know of the film “Love Actually”?  Emma – I forget her surname which is unforgivable as she is one of my favourite actresses yet it’s very early in the morning here – who plays a wife who is very nearly cheated on by her husband (who buys the necklace for the secretary) at Christmas while the wife is left with the usual Jonie Mitchell CD…  This realization moment is priceless as she heads to the bedroom to take a breathing moment before taking the children to the school nativity.  I cry everytime as the soft music accompanies this scene – “I’ve looked at life from both sides now”.  We fall in love with this character who seems to be the perfect mother and wife as well as sister for her grieving brother.  All things to all people as many mums are.  Yet the fact that the husband bought the necklace for the secretary (to be honest, I don’t think he really wanted to at all.  It was all very awkward which would see the wife with reason to forgive him) the wife decided that she would blot her tears with the palm of her hand before taking a deep breath, painting a smile and going back to jollying the children along.  After a while we see her confront her husband with the classic line which is something like, “Do you carry on, knowing it will always be a little bit broken?”  What a cracking line.  It will always be a little bit broken. 

I’m long enough in the tooth now to know what that line means.  You stay because it’s easier, because you love that person, because life gets complicated when you break up, yet; things are never the same.  Is this life?  Is this what we should accept?  We are all human after all.  None of us is ever perfect. 

Yet,  Dear Diary (open heart moment) I feel I love with all of my heart.  I would never consider treating my loved one like that if they were also loving me with a whole heart. Yet in my years of loving people, not one has.  Not one has taken that decision to put me first.  Which leaves me with the question of what is love actually about?  Was I put on this earth to discover this and write stories about it?  I have some cracking books to write based on romance stories which were real…. I have also read some cracking stories.  Ones which allow me to become educated about the differences between men and women.  Books like men are from mars.  I get it.  We are different.  The same could be said for every human being.

This time in Gran Canaria was timed perfectly to get away to heal my heart.  I thought this could be something that naturally may happen.  Alas, this is not what I’m feeling.  All I see with my eyes around me and feel in my heart is a lack of love except for the rare case.  This makes me want to quit love.  My twins love me with all their beating hearts.  They would never consider trading me in for a new mum or go looking for a new mum would they?  They just wouldn’t.  No matter how tough things get.  Likewise I would never consider stopping making an effort for them and forgiving their wrong doings. 

Why can’t husbands and wives be the same?