Thursday 23 May 2019

I have changed.

It’s been a long time since I have shared here with you on this blog in this manner.  Tempted to write something about not really knowing why it has taken me so long to type on this blog again (but that would be a lie) let’s just settle in to have a really good heart to heart chat now and see how this progresses for both you and me.

So much has changed; I have changed.  Many curveballs have thrown their way into my life to give me pause for thought. 
Here I sit high in the clouds on a plane to Turkey and I sense now is the perfect time to open up and allow lots to flood out onto this page.  

If you are an original (OG) follower of this blog, you will have seen so many changes over the past ten years since it has been live. Initially brought about through being in total disbelief of the learning around the law of attraction, I thought, “Why doesn’t everyone know this stuff?” And to my surprise I began to learn that many people actually did know! 

There have been many uses for this blog but always coming back to the place of falling into ‘lifestyle’ which sounds lame and wide.  Yet for me, what I love to read about, talk about and share is around lifestyle.  

Within this post I will touch upon a few subjects that I will be bravely expanding on within the next few posts.

Gosh I had no idea how tired I had let myself get but now that I’m on the plane with my work up to date, I am super sleepy but so happy. Happier than I think I have ever known before in my life.  That’s the most incredible thing to say ever.
I shuffle in my seat, hoping to get more comfy on this EasyJet flight but without success.  So in my discomfort I begin to write in my mind and guess I’ll fire up the keyboard and get talking to you guys.

The lack of posts on this blog are due to my stumbling over my words, which is crazy for a writer.  It isn’t the words of course, it’s the subject material.  Sharing such topics sees me open and raw and you will see why as the blog posts unfold.

Let’s begin here, in a place of clarity which has frightened me beyond belief.  Last week I took to the stage with my fellow cohort of post graduate students as we dug deep into our reserves of valour and read our work to an audience of important guests.  Such things seldom make me nervous but emotions were evoked as I realised my potential as an author following the feedback I have gained from the tutors who carefully have us under their wing. During the day, one academic who I trust and respect massively suggested I begin to label my work as memoir.  I gulped visibly and felt myself become mute.  I’ll share the full story with you in a full and open blog post, as I will these other subjects.

There has been the issue of dealing with living with a mother with dementia and I can't even bring myself to talk about it anymore which carries with it huge guilt.  I have tried to bury those selfish feelings but recently I was filmed by a wonderful couple of talented filmmakers and they touched on the story from the point of view of the struggles a career faces rather than, ‘oh this person has dementia and that’s really sad.’ 

A brave move. 

Open to criticism and if I was to really be open and tell you how I feel you’ll likely think of me as a bitch.  Although if you are in that place too, you are likely to understand totally and smile as you realize someone is finally speaking out.  This is a huge topic and I have so much to say around this.

I’ve changed lately.  

After going through the issue of the anxiety as I finished my undergraduate science degree I feel so much happier and less apologetic for who I am. This seems to suit some, not others. But it is what it is and I have had a further health curveball thrown at me which I was going to keep to myself but it’s going to be a long term influence on my life and part of my ‘living’ is going to be involving you guys on my platform with my journey from here on.  So I need to tell you and once again, this will be expanded upon in future blog posts.  
Likely you know I’m dealing with a couple of chronic disease issues, autoimmune related (Crohn's and Ankylosing spondylitis) which need careful attention but are semi-well controlled, well now there is something else.

I had an abnormal smear.

My cervix was biopsied in colposcopy and it turns out I have cell changes they are not happy with.  This has given me a myriad of feelings and I’m currently processing everything while trying to take the best care of myself I ever have.  I decided to bring this into my blog posts and likely will make a YouTube video about it as it's not so uncommon and I think taking out the fear might be helpful in some way, to someone.  Simply sharing how I feel might give someone else some feeling that might be a positive reflection and so I decided to take my head out of the sand and I’m going to write about it.

Signing off this blog post half written, I hope you will all be with me on this rollercoaster journey that I have decided to embrace with white knuckles.  It’s not been an easy decision to start blogging again but I have missed it, I love it and I hope to help spread the love between us.  I promise to give better updates soon....but please know I am ok and things are ok, and we will be okay.

Nathan and I in Turkey

He took me on this jet ski! Living life!

Reach out if you feel you want to and maybe are feeling lonesome....

Love always

Louise xoxo 

Sunday 12 May 2019

Posting travel Vlogs from Tui Blue Marmaris with 'Dementia mum and me'

Having just come back from the incredible Tui Blue Marmaris once again (more on that in another blog post soon!), I have just finished uploading the edited videos from the trip.

It was more than amazing to feature my son on this trip and he was super helpful in the health and fitness video too! However, these videos are all up and live now and I decided it is time to bite the bullet and edit the videos from last October when I took Mum there.

For me, I have made no secret of the fact this was a life-changing trip for me and painful in many ways and I had to bury this for some time while I came to terms with how I was feeling. Mum has dementia but is still high functioning yet kinda puts on me a lot. While I hadn't realized that until two ladies I made friends with on the trip pointed it out, I have struggled since to deal with day to day life with mum who often doesn't try and be helpful but yet my life was on hold.  Now, we have taken steps to cope (for us all) and while it's a work in progress, I do feel it's time to start editing and sharing these videos and I shall be posting over on the dementia blog soon too, highlighting the struggles carers face. It's not a bed of roses. 

© Louise Usher. All rights reserved.