31st
July – the end of Najowrimo for this time.
As we
head towards the end of this Najowrimo I can’t tell you of a time I ever felt
more of a rollercoaster journey in my entire life. It’s more up and down than
ever with stomach churning bumps along the way.
Feeling
more lost than ever before. Confused and
lost.
Personal
life challenges are popping up in ways I had not envisaged. Friends are, I feel, dropping off along the
way as I complain consiousnessly. They
don’t reach out the same. Is it me? Or
them? Or the summer holidays perhaps.
The
questions I ask myself are these.
What is the job I should be
doing?
Now, I
know this answer, heck I coach people with the answer. Yet here I sit wondering if I should still be
chasing my tail around an NHS hospital helping others with their health when
mine fails me enough to know this job can’t quite be achieved.
Should I be looking for love?
I’m
guessing not. If it’s to be found, it
will find me I guess.
How long
will my mum be with us on this earth?
Why do I
question that? I should live every day with her as if it were her last. Embracing her crazy ways, listening to her famous laugh enough to store it in
my memory forever. Then of course comes the mental funeral planning. With this I have on occasions questioned my
own mortality.
Will I be
well enough to dance again?
My toes
still tap. But I miss dance. Can’t speak any more about this.
Where did
the girl go who I was?
Great
question. I don’t know the answer. Do we
evolve so much in one lifetime that we lose our old selves? Or can people do this to us? If we allow them to, does this mean we can
revert back to who we were?
I was
searching for more questions right then as I sit here in the coffee shop early
on this drizzly morning. Cyndi Lauper
starts the music at 9am as the shops begin to open.
Time
after time.
“If
you’re lost you can look and you will find me.
Time after time.”
I could
cry again.
This
crazy stupid thing called life is also so wonderful. The lessons I have learned on my law of
attraction journey show me that part of this journey is the ups and downs,
otherwise everything seems grey, beige, vanilla…we get
used to the stuff being good rather than when it’s good punching the air and
shouting YESSSSS with that amazing belly feeling which leaves you smiling and
excited. But those downs can be a little
meh. Even the big guys, those real true
gurus I watch go through it. None of us
humans are perfect. This we know to be true.
Going
through life, creating memories and sharing stories of things that happened in
the past over a coffee or a wine (or even a pepsi max) is what I guess it’s all
about. Creating those memories and
storing them is a must in my opinion.
Which is why I love to blog, vlog, take photos and journal. Try it?
Many
things still remain a mystery to me.
Maybe I’m considered young. There
must still be lessons to be learned. We
all feel so often that we are fumbling through life just bumbling along but
perhaps that’s the point. What we must
learn is to embrace the good and the bad.
My tears flow today still since the emotions of yesterdays funeral and
listening to the amazing Euilogy. My
father in law fought in the war. They
offered him the union jack on the coffin and the last post to be played. Thank god they declined. The emotions of that to honour him would have
been amazing but perhaps too much.
My point
here is my tears are flowing silently and I can’t stop them, just in the same
way you sometimes can’t stop belly laughing even if you try. These emotions just happen.
Go with
it.
Create
moments to relive in the rocking chair days of your life.