Wednesday 17 February 2016

Tragedy has brought me clarity

Hi Everyone

Are you well? Happy?  Living on purpose?

I'm going to share something deep from within today.  Doubtless you saw my last post about losing my lovely Dad.  Such a tragic and unnecessary loss.  Already missing him so much,  I cannot tell you the times I have started a thought about texting him and realised I can't do that anymore.

Losing someone close can be so cold and harsh.  For instance, letting the local council know that Mum is now living as the only person in the house.  When they write stating facts like "You do not have a partner" just two days after her husband of 54 years has passed away is so cruel.

Having to post Dads driving licence back to DVLA is just like we are trying to erase his life.

Something they can never do is take away our memories.  Our photographs and videos.  So many wonderful times shared.

How could I possibly let my mum focus on anything other than her grief.  So, instead, I'm taking care of the ugly bits.

As my Dad sits looking back at me at my desk from a photograph we had taken at Christmas at my Graduation, I can feel an overwhelming sense to share something from within here on this blog.

You see,  you might be asking, "What about all the positivity?  What about the Law of Attraction?"
I would be inclined to agree with you. Isn't that what the blog started out to be?

If nothing else,  losing my lovely Dad has made my soul sit up and listen.
I didn't even reach within to get there,  it's forced my hand.  Feeling not quite myself within life is something I have experienced for a long long time yet I have previously decided it's not going to ruin my life, or stop me from doing what I want to do.

The trouble is,  we so often listen to the way we have been programmed.  Recently, Mums well meaning friend told me how I couldn't make my living from home, from my laptop with my nutritional advice.  Well, these days you can.  It's my dream and my safe haven.  With hard work, dedication and belief I can do this.  Finally I feel like I am ready to take that leap of faith.  It's not even like it would be an injustice not to do it but rather if I don't I am going to feel it in my health.

Have you ever had a deep rooted belief like this?  Likely you know what I mean if you have.

Something for so long has been telling you that you mustn't do it/it isn't real life/that lifestyle isn't for people like us etc?  With health issues getting worse and worse I am realising that my future might well be from home, on my laptop, working that way.  If I don't, I honestly feel my health will decline.

Yes, I do feel this is fulfilling my spirit but I also feel that there are those practical reasons too.   As a Crohns patient, I need to eat carefully,  not on the run.  I also need to take time to try and exercise as these aches and pains scream at me more and more.

This blog isn't a rant.  Nor is it a feel sorry for myself post.  Rather it's like, dealing with losing Dad has brought my health issues to a head and without listening to what I really must do, I feel life wouldn't be so worth living.

One last thing as I try to explain my point to you.  I feel deep within that I would be really happy with the lifestyle that I have been calling my dream.  IT's the time that I feel 'full up' with JOY and PASSION and purpose to life.  Don't we owe it to our loved ones to be that person?

What can you do today to realise your dream?

My next blog post I will share my plans for travel in 2016,  my need for a NutriBullet and those Abel and Cole guys.

Sending love, as always,  from a heartbroken yet driven,

Louise xoxo

Wednesday 10 February 2016

I lost my Dad

For those of you who don't follow my Youtube channel, I have some devastating news.

My brave and gentlemanly father has passed away.

Not only are we in shock as a family but I'm finding things pretty hard to keep going.  As usual, I am finding gratitude in 'things' but this event and massive loss has really shaken things up.

Dad and I are so close.  Often understanding each other with just a look when Mum says something funny.
OR an amazing song with air guitar breaks needed.

I was always a Daddys girl.
Monday lunchtimes home from school were the best.  Depending on Dads shift pattern he would cook me mashed potato, meat left over from Sunday lunch and thick steamy gravy.  I never wanted to go back to school on those monday afternoons.

Miserable school.
It was Dad who sat me on his lap when I cried and said I wanted to leave school.  It was Dad who taught me to stand up for myself and fight for whats right and wrong.

Dad was my dancing partner when we started to learn Ballroom and Latin when I was a young teenager.

Dad was also the man who usually led the Macarena.

So how do I begin to chose the song for the soloist at his funeral?

How do I put one foot in front of the other and carry on with study, work, life and cleaning the darn floor?

How do I do anything without curling up and crying?

How can this be a normal part of life?  Something that so many go through.  Grief.  Losing people.  IT hurts so much.

Little by little, I will be kind to myself.  Helping Mum to sort life out.  Life without her husband.  54 years of marriage.  Gosh.  Do they still make marriages like that?

Unsure if I should make a video or not, I decided to go ahead.  My subscribers are growing daily and I'm eternally thankful for the dream that pretty soon I will be able to work from home on my business and stop worrying so much if I have a day or two where I feel unwell.

Thank you all for being here.  You mean so much to me.

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