Saturday, 30 June 2018

Camp NaNoWriMo starts tomorrow - this is how I'm feeling

The last day of June means July 1st Tomorrow and the start of Camp NaNoWriMo! I'm excited to give myself a target to reach and also a little nervous as I do have some trips booked and an entire host of video editing to do for my Youtube channel before that.  I promised myself this would be done before I was shooting off to the airport.  So what is stopping me from being on top of my game?  Shall I tell you?  This is quite a vunerable thing to share...

Since finishing university my body has been over run with different infections and the fatigue has been so consuming that to plan a journey past a half hour drive has at times felt impossible. These grumbles also seem to go hand in hand with terrible mental health issues for me which is something I would gladly wave a magic wand at and get over it.  If you have even remotely suffered depression or anxiety you will understand this feeling. You can't control it no matter how you try.  For me, I have learnt through my science degree that 90% of the serotonin we make comes from the gut and with my issues of inflammatory bowel disease I am pretty sure my gut could be in better shape than currently.  Sure I'm taking my probiotics and they definitely do help.  So I'm giving in and sleeping lots and I suspect right now it would be a good time to try as best I can to surround myself with those people I love and trust to be sweet and lovely to me. Petting my furry baby Harley always helps and you know how they just love you so unconditionally in a way we all know humans could learn from. 
Trying to eat as little as possible to give my digestive system a break is something that's recommended when you have crohns. So I'm trying that.  But when you are a true 'foodie' it's hard.  Another reason to feel blue.  Sugar is the enemy when you have gut issues and bacteria love to thrive on the white stuff so I'm trying to cut that out as best I can...sigh....anyhow I have really digressed there.

Sometimes these issues with the brain definitely help to keep me on track.  Let me try and explain. You see I have started to converse over on twitter with many writer types and often you will find people who love to write may sometimes love being on their own typing away with their own words.  Sometimes with a mind rather like mine.  Anxious or over thinkers. Some days 'we' have no choice but to be at home with our words.  Yet I can't tell you how long I have given myself a hard time for trying to live the dream.  Strange really that my playlist has just played 'A million Dreams' from The Greatest Showman!

A dilemma i have is this: I've been offered a wonderful (but likely very stressful) research project.  There is money attached and a wonderful chance to make a difference in the world of diabetes.  I'm tempted and it will be a great challenge.  Yet am I up to it?  Can I do it without crumbling?  You see I sense being stuck between a rock and hard place is something that I must recognise where I am.  While loving the life of trying to get back to more writing/editing and working on my health at the gym, including walking the dog and all these other things that see me smiling it doesn't feel like work.

Which leaves me doubting the acceptability of doing it as a job....which is exactly what I teach others they must follow those dreams.

NaNoWriMo will see me committing to 30,000 words which is 1000 a day and I'm going to start working back on the book I have left alone for about 4 years now. It's called Happiness in vitro and I'm super excited to get this one published but I want to get that first draught under my belt and work super hard on perfecting it.  By the end of July we hope I have achieved what I need to achieve in my writing.  I do love it.  I promise I will aim to keep posting on this blog too as I simply love blogging. I have more blogs than is normal for a person!  Without sounding too crazy, I simply feel like 'me' when I'm writing.  

Something I can't deny.

Friday, 29 June 2018

Ups and downs of knowing the law of attraction

Today sees me with strange moods.  

I can only guess that it was after yesterdays blog post talking about me stepping into my reality, (then today getting disturbed by mother). I was in the log cabin getting lots of work done and her disturbing me (she has dementia) made me realise this isn't going to be easy.

The journey I have been on for so many years now has finally brought me to the place of saying "YES! I am a writer!" And I guess rather like waiting for an elusive book deal, then realising you are finally there - and I guess like after your wedding day - you realise everything is still the same, with life ups and downs.

Learning about the law of attraction has been a tricky time and an entire blog post needs to follow with lots of details on this. It's not the answer to finding the cup of gold at the end of the rainbow but rather takes lots of learning to get your head around.  Stopping the feelings of guilt when you aren't 'thinking right' is a big old journey in itself.

So, just for today I will sit in Starbucks with my faithful friend and do a little writing.


Thursday, 28 June 2018

I'm a full time author!

Flip flops casually dangling off my two fingers, I walked barefoot in the sand.  Happy.  This was a happy and content feeling. My blonde beach curls were becoming more ruffled with the wind as I shook them from within the close view of my pupils.  Today was a good day.  

After avoiding the sun all week and instead preparing for this day with much writing and inside-type stuff, I was happy to watch the cloudless blue skies from the window as I knew today was the day I had 'Beach with Jasmine' written in my diary.  Expecting to need suncream, it was a ridiculous thought to pack my hoodie in the bag along with the towels we would use to lay on the sand after noon when the sun was due to shine.  Noon onwards.  However, the clouds kept moving fast with glimpses of sun in between.  Right after we had finished filming we popped into the old fashioned cafe and had a hot drink.  This still was a good day.

In my mind, I wandered.  Not thinking too much about what I was going to say in the voiceover.  You see, I'd planned in my mind to sit on the beach (we even took the tripod with us) and talk to the camera; yet I knew the wind would just howl down the microphone, even with the fluffy bit attached.  So those words could come later I decided.  Right after I write this passage in fact.  
My candle holding Buddha is lit and I am going to take some time to flow.  There is news you see. Big news.

Maybe not so much to you but definitely for me. It seems I may be the last to know. 

After lots of soul searching and a huge journey full of stress, twists and turns and not allowing myself to be ill or healthy for that matter, I have arrived at a destination.

Growing up, I was taught that toil, stress and misery is what working is all about.  At the age of 14 my wonderful Aunt invited me to think about doing a job I would love.  Leaving me totally perplexed, I began to wonder what I loved.  Settling on the idea of doing something with food (I was a straight A in my Food and Nutrition subject) I looked into several avenues there.  Ending up at college training to be a chef.  A long story follows that but suffice to say I still had the notion that work was something to be suffered.  I loved my job with a total passion but I think perhaps did some damage to myself after working 70-90 hours a week for 15 years.  Seldom a day off.  
Yet, work was going well, I was achieving.

Fast forward to today.  I'm trying hard (it's an effort) to believe that the one dream I really have might in fact be able to be my job.  

After lots of brain training to the contrary, I am now stepping into the brave place of telling you I am now embracing being a full time writer! 
There, I said it.  
Out loud and to the world.  

Since I was little I have loved all sorts of writing. 
Letter writing
script writing 
story writing, even poems.  
It's one of those things I simply can't get enough of.  People have told me I have a talent.


When blogging became a thing I was excited.  I started blogging years ago and we were told not to make it an online diary but rather to train people in something.  So I set about doing that and managed to create myself a successful blog with around 9000 readers per month which isn't record breaking but for me, it's wonderful.  Now though, I sense blogging is doing a 360 and people love hearing about memoir. 
Publishing on Amazon was another brave decision and I have some books out there now, one of them is even a little bit of fiction. I loved writing that too, seeing where the protagonist took me in the story (I love how writers state that even though it always sounds so 'out there') and people seemed to love my story too.

My health struggles sometimes. Which is something I don't like to admit. I like to be an achiever.  Against the odds.  Although recently I have had to listen to the signs my body is giving me as there has literally been no alternative.  
Ending up wired up to machines in hospital with total fatigue consuming me, I decided to make today happen, the day at the beach; filming.  It was time to create this life I have dreamed of as well as hoped might actually be able to fulfil me.  I want to write full time.  

Going full time

I'm going to write full time. 

Of course the money bit scares me. Of course it would.  I have worked out a little bit of a plan to keep me going while I continue to grow my author platform and I have also created a patreon account for those who want to support me.  Those people will be able to see all the raw stuff I go through as it happens, warts and all.  But most importantly, I'm going to step into the life I have really wanted for all these years and call myself an author.  

Will I still be blogging?  Yes.
Will I still be hanging out over on instagram a lot?  Definitely.
What about keeping the Youtube channel going? More than ever.
What types of books will I write?  Mostly non-fiction with a little spice added (based on true stories).  Many about living life on purpose (A lusher Life). Many more will kind of be Romance novels. 
Am I excited?  Beyond belief.
Am I frightened?  So much.  Yet I'm more frightened of not doing it!

Right as the day was coming to a close at the beach, an email popped up inviting me to undertake an amazing medical research role. I'm very temped, still.  Yet I know with my beating heart that I simply must write.

It's a must.  I'd love your support. <3

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