Lost

Lost.  Feeling lost.  

Wanting so much yet never having what I need in my physical body to enable this life.

Wanting to write, to read, to edit more.  Yet I awake and I want to sleep more.  My tummy rumbles in a C flat.  Why oh why can’t I shake all this?  Why isn't my house cleaner, my course easier, my mums house just packing itself up all by itself without the need of help from me?

Accounts need doing today. If I don’t get those done, there will be a consequence.  

Finding the perfect idealistic income opportunity, talking to mum about this seems tricky.  She doesn’t understand. 

Aiming to be off the anti depressant pills by September, I’m just not sure where I begin to stop those.  it’s a frightening feeling.  

Days go fast and less gets done.

Reading a book of journal entries, I know I simply want to get journal entries out of my head and onto paper.  Does this sound like a book idea?  

Writing, my saviour.

If only this would generate the income for help within the home.  Even making phone calls I need to make feels like an effort.  Everything feels like an effort.  Is it? Or am I lazy?  I didn't used to be. I used to work 90 odd hours a week.  Yet I ate at work,  did little to no housework (we were never there) and somehow life seemed to simply just work for me.  

Where is my energy?

Not in the bottom of  a coffee cup I know. I tried this one.  Doesn’t work.

My blood sugars are going silly. I hate that.  I need to get into Ketosis again.  Yet fathers day looms and there must be a meal for sure.  Will this meal have potatoes?

Gosh, none of this scramble head coming out on paper makes me look remotely normal. I know this for sure.  

I feel unwell.  I think I am unwell.  Even though I have tried the law of attraction for health.  

Crohns.  Being fed rice from 3 days old.  All my body struggles.  My poor body.

They are trying me on peppermint oil supplements.  After the gynae dr asked “What parts would you like me to remove for you?” And I looked stunned.

I knew where the future was heading.  Now I’m not so sure.

For now, I will sleep some more I feel.

Time to travel to Majorca

Majorca.  The island of blue skies and blue waters reflecting within the sandy beaches.

I love Majorca.  Had to believe it has taken me so long to find this place in my life.

Here for two weeks to relax, read, educate myself and get things moving along in my health, Scott and I have headed to the mountains.  Fully intending to take care of myself (the little things like a proper skincare routine),  I'm going to take time out of life to show myself some love.

Here's a couple of photos, I feel I need to write more but my early morning sees me super tired today.

Waiting for a bus!

In the airport lounge

On the plane!

Look at the coastline of Majorca

I never tire of this view.

Tired but happy with the balcony.

Time to sleep...

2am today.

2am?  It gets more crazy. Why don't I sleep?  Excitement?  Just don't need it?  Hmm, not sure I can say the latter as I haven't been feeling so well of late.  The crohns is nudging me to remind me it's still lurking. 
"Don't take me for granted." It calls.  I know, I hear you.  

We are friends now, me and Crohns. It's part of my life. A part I know I don't have to give too much attention to as I read the newest book in my library, "You are the placebo."
Yet, as I try hard to gain control of my tummy issues recently, I nervously pack for holiday.

Needing lots of care and attention to what I might take for appropriateness, I curse myself as once again I failed to take care of myself as much as I had promised this past week.

"Get to the gym." I ordered.
"Use the sunbed." I decided.  Making myself look more healthy generally helps with the mindset of feeling like I am healthy.  Still, fatigue took over and made me a spoonie once again. 
Intending to walk at as much speed as my tired legs will carry me, I'll help those cells get the oxygen they need from the sea air as I take to my holidays.  

Knowing this might be the first one in a long time (or should that be last one?) I pack armed with books and kindle and all things to help me relax.  

The stress of university exams has hardly seemed worth it to be honest.  The stress it has taken on my body is a hefty price to pay. Trying on the new clothes I bought for holiday I hardly recognised the woman staring back at me in the mirror.  Who is she?  My mum? 
Aging and losing the body that I would now love to have (wishing I had realised that way back when I looked more healthy than this) I am convinced I can get back to the place I was 3 years ago when my body was feeling better than now.
Surely hard work and paying attention to health can get those muscle tones back again.  'They' keep telling me in the medical world I need to take this and that, have this medication, this procedure, give up on the hard working life I lead.  Yet surely I could take a different approach and slowly get those fitness levels back again.

Not sleeping doesn't help.  Gladly, I gave up my room when mum came to live with us.  Yet I know it is taking its toll on my health.  We need to create more space.  Yet for the next 15 nights (would you include tonight still, although the dawn chorus is beginning?) I have a bed, some space to walk around naked,  which in turn means I can moisturise to my hearts content.  Well, who likes to do that then get dressed?  Be honest.  Ewww.

Holiday mode.  I feel blessed and lucky.  I have lots to read.  Lots to fill my mind with self help.  Cringe if you must but it makes me feel positive and bright for the future.

Knowing I have time to delete the 11,000 emails that have accumulated in my inbox while writing blogs and editing videos for the next couple of weeks, I know I am fuelling my passion.  The visitors to this blog have shown me with their feet they are out there. In turn the universe allows me to believe this can of course be the full time gig.  I LOVE it.  Thank you for reading! And subscribing to my youtube! 

Holiday time.  Here I sit at crazy o'clock and write.  After a particularly strange meal at dinner last night (I expected too much from Thyme at the Premier inn) I'm feeling a little the worse for wear.  Heading off to an all inclusive resort for our holiday,  I know I will have to use restraint and make careful food choices around my crohns.  Often limited, I must avoid the french fries.  They are way too 'carby' for me! Sometimes, the brits complain on trip advisor that it was the fries that saved them from starvation.  Hmm, lets see what we can do! Watch this space to follow our journey!

Much love, as always

Louise xoxo

Physiotherapy

Waiting for physio therapy. The smell of stale cigarettes fills the waiting room. Then I sense the smell of cannabis. Who knows that Patients story. Maybe it's medicinal. 

Either way,  I don't like the smell. 
Moreover, I wonder if I waste my time as I sit with around 12 needles in the muscle that gives me such pain.  Then I remember the dread yesterday as I saw my friend heading for the massive line of steps at uni. I can climb them but it hurts. Today my butt cheeks ache. So I remember yes, goto the physio. Let him do his thing with the acupuncture. 

Test tubes surrounded us in the lab this morning as I found my way around to getting on and experimenting.  Having been the only idiot who answered the head of department when he asked who has read the protocol (with the wrong experiment), I felt ok about the day ahead.  Despite my pain, despite the poorly people at home.  I was there, in class.
Unable to stand for long, I felt the acupuncture may do some good.

Yet it has been weeks now and I feel unconvinced that this is the right thing needed for this muscle wastage.  Perhaps this muscle needs working at the gym.  Perhaps the gut needs working on with Chicken Soup.  Helps absorbance of protein.  What is going on here?  I do not want to be this person who is unable to do the things I want to do.  So once again I suffer the needles, unable to stay awake at the duration.  Unable to feel the benefit until the next day.

Positive steps in the right direction are surely what is going to help me beat this crohns and muscle atrophy?  Let's see...

Much love

Louise xoxo

Shopping for a Huf House (Dream home!)

A rare day off for my other half saw us head off for coffee and cake.  Delicious indeed.  My favourite place to head for coffee and cake - despite the ice and snow still laying hard on the ground.  
Scott took his Landrover for safe keeping and I headed through the farm shop and into the gorgeous barn, hoping my favourite cake was on offer.

To my delight, the lemon pistachio gluten free cake was on the menu.  Delightful indeed.

Following this fantastic start to the day, I suggested we go look at the 'local' (one hour drive away) Huf House show home.  This story goes like this:

Many reasons have brought me to a place over the years of hoping/wishing/dreaming/needing to spend time in the countryside and write.  You know about me and my writing now.  Right?  Well, back in 2009 I spent the first time ever of my life in the most amazing house in the highlands of Scotland in Aviemore.  There was an air of a new feeling.  Peace.  Tranquillity.  

The only way I can explain it is I felt like I remembered I was a human again.

Scotland 2009

* Time to cook
* eat healthily
* breathe amazing air
* look at nature.  

The trees,  those badgers who frequented our garden every evening for a treat of peanut butter.  Bird tables a-plenty with an abundance of nuts and seeds for our feathered friends to enjoy.  I loved it.  
Inside my body, something new happened.  Something which made me realise I would be more healthy and able to deal with my crohns issues in the countryside.

Right before having the twins, I lived in the countryside.  Having to leave broke my heart.  Loving it there, I definitely left a part of my heart there.  Yet there was no chance to stay as I knew no-one there and having twins created an insistence that I come back to family and civilisation.  There's a whole story coming up about that. 

Since Wales, in the new year, Scott and I decided that we definitely need a bolt hole.  Somewhere to go to escape.  My writing heaven. Amongst trees,  with birdsong around, ideally some water nearby...


Massive fans of watching Grand Designs,  we went to look at the possibility of building an amazing home somewhere we chose.  We love the idea of the scandanavian homes which come in kit form.  Super indeed.

Lord and Master

Off we headed to fall in love with the 'too big for us' Huf House.  Priced at way over our budget, we have now decided to do some more research into Scandia-Hus who seem more realistically priced (and we love them anyway).  Off to the Build it show in a couple of weeks and I promise to keep you posted on this.

Scott has given himself 3 years of research so nothing will  happen imminently but we hope to create a place of beauty to spend time in later in life. Somewhere which will assist with its natural tendencies with healing my health.  

A place filled with love. 

Louise xoxo

Two very different black clouds

Today, I felt two very different types of black cloud approaching.

It's no secret that here in the UK we had a very adverse weather forecast.

Rather like my mood.  I Started out feeling great, buzzing for my Human Nutrition year 2 degree exam.  Guessing that every 'up' also brings a 'down',  I got home and took to my bed.

Crohns disease has reared its uninvited head the past two days.  This has left me exhausted,  running on my ever-pressured adrenal glands (bless those little walnuts).

Waking, I felt strange; rested.  

Harley and I had snuggled in tightly and got warm.  Him wearing his hoody with the words 'cute' written on it! Yes, I know, I should have waited to give him a hair cut.

Feeling my unwelcome guest, anxiety approaching, I could feel myself wanting to distance myself from my nearest and dearest, everyone and the world.  Just about everyone.

Sitting with a calculator and pen, I did the usual calculations.  Aiming to out-wit the anxiety with my mathematical calculations, I managed to inspire myself enough to realise that with a couple of years of consistent blogging and creating youtube videos I can actually live the dream I have in working full time from home.  

No way?  Yes!

Thus relieving the pressure to get up each day healthier than the previous day.  Much as I love to believe I have this illness under control, there are those days when it somehow is smarter than me.

Feeling in-spirit (inspired) I took to the keyboard and lit the candle. With only my tinitus, ticking clock, snoring dog and fired up boiler for sounds, I begin to write.  My passion, my love.

I want to write, write, WRITE.

This black cloud approaches,  this brings the beauty of snowflakes.

Without a sound, we see them falling,  covering the roads and pathways in an instant.  Such beauty.  As the social media channels begin to fill with children out playing late into bedtime and snowmen being built around these towns, I began to dream of a snow day tomorrow.

Would we get a snow day?

Don't get me wrong, I have two amazing clients booked to see in the morning, right before my gastroenterology appointment at the hospital, yet I have fire in my belly to write write WRITE.

Are you with me on this journey?

As always, much love

Louise xoxo

Subscribe to our mailing list

* indicates required

Email Address *

First Name

Last Name

Email Format

• html
• text

Ever felt overwhelmed?

Indulge me in a little self pity?

For I’m sure this is somewhere we have all been at sometime.  Overwhelm!

Wow – I’m sure feeling that my feet are back on solid ground, in the rainy UK, with more work than I know what to do with.  So please, sit with me and picture the scene.  Coffee shop; (pretty cold here) with my nice soya latte and a gluten free cake (yum!). Plenty of note paper, a nice pen and my glasses.  My diary (one is not enough so I consider buying another to use as my day diary for personal stuff and anything non uni related.  Yes, there is lots to do and frustratingly my fingernails are beautifully long (looking wonderful after the wedding but way too long to type at my usual speed) as I sit and ponder about life, the future and how I can figure all these things out.

The Law of Attraction has a lot to answer for.  Not only did it have me confused for ages and ages (knowing that life is supposed to be joyous after being raised with comments to the contrary) yet I felt inclined to write list upon list of how to figure out what I should be doing.  You may have seen the several blog posts I wrote suggesting how you can figure out what you should be doing.

Take me back?

So, then I cracked it. I should be working online. Yay.  Love that idea.  One for a challenge, I decided to take things one stage further and get myself more knowledge and qualifications.  Then the tricky bit began.  The real work started.  Whoever said ‘students have a cracking time lording it up in the pub’ had things very misunderstood.   University is HARD work.  While I love a challenge and I definitely love hard work,  this is frustrating at times.  Not always clear on what is expected of me or how I am supposed to be learning, I often wonder what the flip I’m doing.  On top of this, I know within my heart, soul and gut that I need to start growing my online practice as soon as possible.  Yet time is of the essence as I see to writing the next lab report or doing another piece of research. 

Can I be honest with you here?  My health has suffered.  I don’t find the time to get to the gym anymore.  Eating right is a luxury (and I know better than that) and I find myself an unwell victim of society.  Rushing around, without proper nutrition and exercise.  So while I’m hoping to help others at the end of all this, I seem to be doing myself more harm than others.

Should I quit?  Throw in the towel?  Heck, no.  Not without a darn good crack at the whip.  Maybe I need to accept that for the next 18 months life will be more than a challenge, maybe we will need to get take-aways or microwave dinners and I will for sure need to keep taking my anxiety medication (which goes against everything I believe in).  At the end of all this, I not only get a gown and mortar board photo but I gain credibility.  As a nutritional scientist who uses evidence based approaches to help my clients.  Hoping to bring an end to some people’s health issues along the way. 

Will it all be worth it?  Today it’s hard to believe. Yet I’m sure it will all be worth it!

800 subscribers! Thank you all so much.

This feels more than surreal writing this.



My Youtube channel has hit 800 subscribers.  This is totally mind blowing stuff and I appreciate all of you so much.



If you didn't check out the craziness that is my Youtube channel you can do by clicking the link here.



What will you find over there?  I obviously incorporate the law of attraction into life there but I also just vlog my life, chat in the car, show you my travels and add in a bit about dealing with my invisible illnesses too.



Wishing you a perfect Monday and much love



Louise xoxo

Weekly vlog * Slimming world week 2*

This was an unsuccessful week in the world of my bikini body.  Terrible.  Falling at the second hurdle.  Why oh why?



Find out why on this weekly vlog where you can also find out my car news and see Harley the shihtzu in a starring role at the beautiful country park near us.



Meanwhile much love on this revision week



Louise xoxo

Listening to your voice within

For some reason,  many of us who discovered the law of attraction within the past 10 years are a little older than children.

As my generation begins to educate our children in the art of the law of attraction, I am hoping with all my heart that this means they are better than me at listening to the voice within.

This blog post is born of a desire to urge you to listen to your inner voice.  You know that nagging feeling you sometimes get in life when things don't feel right?  That means something needs to change.  
In total contrast to this, there are those days when you feel like you could skip to the moon and back,  so happy,  light and bright.  That is when you are in tune with what you should be doing.  
What is filling your soul? 
If it's nothing or you are going against your inner vortex  you are likely, like me, to end up unwell.

Now I know exactly what my wishes are for life.  I'm pretty sure I know what has the potential to make me feel better.  It's not pills or injections,  much less major surgery.  

Even when you know it all comes from your thinking and your attitude,  it's not easy.  Real life gets in the way and you become afraid to persue your dreams.  Worried that you need to earn money.
Yet how many times have you heard, "Follow your passion and the money will come."?   I know this stuff,  darn I teach it.  Since 2011 I have been on a mission.  Yet lately, things are stopping me from remembering this.

Of course,  we need down times in order to enjoy the up times.

From today, I am going to make these changes.  Are you with me?  I'm going to do the exercises the physio set me.  I'm logging the right, nutritional food to eat and I am going to spend more time catching up at my desk.  It's all to play for.  We just need to remember to listen within.

Are you with me?

Tragedy has brought me clarity

Hi Everyone

Are you well? Happy?  Living on purpose?

I'm going to share something deep from within today.  Doubtless you saw my last post about losing my lovely Dad.  Such a tragic and unnecessary loss.  Already missing him so much,  I cannot tell you the times I have started a thought about texting him and realised I can't do that anymore.

Losing someone close can be so cold and harsh.  For instance, letting the local council know that Mum is now living as the only person in the house.  When they write stating facts like "You do not have a partner" just two days after her husband of 54 years has passed away is so cruel.

Having to post Dads driving licence back to DVLA is just like we are trying to erase his life.

Something they can never do is take away our memories.  Our photographs and videos.  So many wonderful times shared.

How could I possibly let my mum focus on anything other than her grief.  So, instead, I'm taking care of the ugly bits.

As my Dad sits looking back at me at my desk from a photograph we had taken at Christmas at my Graduation, I can feel an overwhelming sense to share something from within here on this blog.

You see,  you might be asking, "What about all the positivity?  What about the Law of Attraction?"
I would be inclined to agree with you. Isn't that what the blog started out to be?

If nothing else,  losing my lovely Dad has made my soul sit up and listen.
I didn't even reach within to get there,  it's forced my hand.  Feeling not quite myself within life is something I have experienced for a long long time yet I have previously decided it's not going to ruin my life, or stop me from doing what I want to do.

The trouble is,  we so often listen to the way we have been programmed.  Recently, Mums well meaning friend told me how I couldn't make my living from home, from my laptop with my nutritional advice.  Well, these days you can.  It's my dream and my safe haven.  With hard work, dedication and belief I can do this.  Finally I feel like I am ready to take that leap of faith.  It's not even like it would be an injustice not to do it but rather if I don't I am going to feel it in my health.

Have you ever had a deep rooted belief like this?  Likely you know what I mean if you have.

Something for so long has been telling you that you mustn't do it/it isn't real life/that lifestyle isn't for people like us etc?  With health issues getting worse and worse I am realising that my future might well be from home, on my laptop, working that way.  If I don't, I honestly feel my health will decline.

Yes, I do feel this is fulfilling my spirit but I also feel that there are those practical reasons too.   As a Crohns patient, I need to eat carefully,  not on the run.  I also need to take time to try and exercise as these aches and pains scream at me more and more.

This blog isn't a rant.  Nor is it a feel sorry for myself post.  Rather it's like, dealing with losing Dad has brought my health issues to a head and without listening to what I really must do, I feel life wouldn't be so worth living.


One last thing as I try to explain my point to you.  I feel deep within that I would be really happy with the lifestyle that I have been calling my dream.  IT's the time that I feel 'full up' with JOY and PASSION and purpose to life.  Don't we owe it to our loved ones to be that person?

What can you do today to realise your dream?

My next blog post I will share my plans for travel in 2016,  my need for a NutriBullet and those Abel and Cole guys.

Sending love, as always,  from a heartbroken yet driven,

Louise xoxo

Photo shoot in London

GCSE time in our house.  This means many things!

"Mum I need to get this.  Mum can we go there."

Recently, to my delight, Nathan told me he needed photos in London.

St pancras

I love London.  I love Photography.  We took the tripod,  both DSLR cameras and set off on the train for the short journey into London.

Getting arty with sharp lines!

Eros, Picadilly Square

Man it was so so cold.  We had to stop and shoot, then walk fast to get the blood pumping to warm us up.  Stand and shoot again.  Yet it was fun.  I had to remember this was Nathans project and I must let him see the things and how to adjust the camera to get that shot.

Picadilly Circus

The Mall, leading to Buckingham Palace

While he was busy setting up the camera angles, settings and focus, I would take a similar shot just on my iPhone.  These I share with you here.  

Memorial

Typical Usher photograph

Buckingham Palace statues

If I am lucky enough I may be able to get my hands on those photos he has taken and share them with you here.  Just to show that the image in front of you is one thing, using the technology to make it even more beautiful is another.

I love the fact that we are all now budding photographers these days.  Prior to having our phones as cameras, pictures were becoming a thing of the past.

Do you love surfing and nosing everyones photos?

I sure do!

The sun catching the London Eye and Big ben

The Queens home at sunset

Typical london. Red phone box and Big ben

As the light began to fade, we saw the start of the Golden Hour.  A time where typically you see photographers setting up the best shots.

The London Eye and River Thames

Creepy or Fun?

My son taking his photos

Super proud of my children.  They turn 16 soon.  I simply cannot believe where that time has gone.  We are going to have a lot of fun celebrating their birthday. Lots and lots more photos to come for those ones.  Make sure you hop back to check those out!

Meanwhile sending much love as always

Louise xoxo