Journalling lifes ups and downs #najowrimo

31^st July – the end of Najowrimo for this time.

As we head towards the end of this Najowrimo I can’t tell you of a time I ever felt more of a rollercoaster journey in my entire life. It’s more up and down than ever with stomach churning bumps along the way. 

Feeling more lost than ever before.  Confused and lost.

Personal life challenges are popping up in ways I had not envisaged.  Friends are, I feel, dropping off along the way as I complain consiousnessly.  They don’t reach out the same.  Is it me? Or them? Or the summer holidays perhaps. 

The questions I ask myself are these.

What is the job I should be doing?

Now, I know this answer, heck I coach people with the answer.  Yet here I sit wondering if I should still be chasing my tail around an NHS hospital helping others with their health when mine fails me enough to know this job can’t quite be achieved.

Should I be looking for love?

I’m guessing not.  If it’s to be found, it will find me I guess.

How long will my mum be with us on this earth?

Why do I question that? I should live every day with her as if it were her last.  Embracing her crazy ways,  listening to her famous laugh enough to store it in my memory forever. Then of course comes the mental funeral planning.  With this I have on occasions questioned my own mortality.

Will I be well enough to dance again?

My toes still tap.  But I miss dance.  Can’t speak any more about this.

Where did the girl go who I was?

Great question. I don’t know the answer.  Do we evolve so much in one lifetime that we lose our old selves?  Or can people do this to us?  If we allow them to, does this mean we can revert back to who we were? 

I was searching for more questions right then as I sit here in the coffee shop early on this drizzly morning.  Cyndi Lauper starts the music at 9am as the shops begin to open. 

Time after time.  

“If you’re lost you can look and you will find me.  Time after time.”

I could cry again. 

This crazy stupid thing called life is also so wonderful.  The lessons I have learned on my law of attraction journey show me that part of this journey is the ups and downs, otherwise everything seems grey, beige, vanilla…we get used to the stuff being good rather than when it’s good punching the air and shouting YESSSSS with that amazing belly feeling which leaves you smiling and excited.  But those downs can be a little meh.  Even the big guys, those real true gurus I watch go through it.  None of us humans are perfect. This we know to be true. 

Going through life, creating memories and sharing stories of things that happened in the past over a coffee or a wine (or even a pepsi max) is what I guess it’s all about.  Creating those memories and storing them is a must in my opinion.  Which is why I love to blog, vlog, take photos and journal.  Try it? 

Many things still remain a mystery to me.  Maybe I’m considered young.  There must still be lessons to be learned.  We all feel so often that we are fumbling through life just bumbling along but perhaps that’s the point.  What we must learn is to embrace the good and the bad.  My tears flow today still since the emotions of yesterdays funeral and listening to the amazing Euilogy.  My father in law fought in the war.  They offered him the union jack on the coffin and the last post to be played.  Thank god they declined.  The emotions of that to honour him would have been amazing but perhaps too much. 

My point here is my tears are flowing silently and I can’t stop them, just in the same way you sometimes can’t stop belly laughing even if you try.  These emotions just happen. 

Go with it. 

Create moments to relive in the rocking chair days of your life.

Shall I quit love? (A Najowrimo excert)

This excert is from my NaJoWrimo efforts as I write each day though July.  In this very open and honest post, you see me talking about why I'm thinking of quitting love.

Releasing this writing and all of July NaJo (with my personal snapshots) will be available in book form on  Amazon soon! Follow this page so you know when! 

July 14^th

The Wonder of You

Strange dreams sees me awakening with an odd feeling inside my heart.  As a bride in the dream I was disappointed.  A five-minute ceremony with strangers I hardly knew left me wondering about love this morning.  Will I ever “have it all”?  Is there such a thing?  I watch couples on this holiday of a myriad of situations.  There is Elvis who sang “Wonder of you” to his wife at Karaoke in between using the microphone as an opportunity to publicly declare his love for this lady.  They were older than me, I would say late 50’s and clearly had lots of love between them.

After Elvis left the stage, his wife pretty much ran from her seat to greet him with love and affection, cupping his face with her hands and planting a proper kiss on his lips.  Not proper as in French kissing but a real, heartfelt, true kiss.  She meant it.  No denying that.  They had a balance between being publically decent and showing true love.  A rare thing I feel these days.  Now when I look around the restaurant I generally see couples who have nothing to say to each other, seem disinterested or even at times one partially turns the chair away.  Of course there is the odd Tut when someone says something the other is frustrated with or has simply lost their tolerance to.  Why is that?  What happened between them?  Would it have been an affair?  Some other form of hurt which broke them forever and never quite allowed things to be the same way again.

Do you know of the film “Love Actually”?  Emma – I forget her surname which is unforgivable as she is one of my favourite actresses yet it’s very early in the morning here – who plays a wife who is very nearly cheated on by her husband (who buys the necklace for the secretary) at Christmas while the wife is left with the usual Jonie Mitchell CD…  This realization moment is priceless as she heads to the bedroom to take a breathing moment before taking the children to the school nativity.  I cry everytime as the soft music accompanies this scene – “I’ve looked at life from both sides now”.  We fall in love with this character who seems to be the perfect mother and wife as well as sister for her grieving brother.  All things to all people as many mums are.  Yet the fact that the husband bought the necklace for the secretary (to be honest, I don’t think he really wanted to at all.  It was all very awkward which would see the wife with reason to forgive him) the wife decided that she would blot her tears with the palm of her hand before taking a deep breath, painting a smile and going back to jollying the children along.  After a while we see her confront her husband with the classic line which is something like, “Do you carry on, knowing it will always be a little bit broken?”  What a cracking line.  It will always be a little bit broken. 

I’m long enough in the tooth now to know what that line means.  You stay because it’s easier, because you love that person, because life gets complicated when you break up, yet; things are never the same.  Is this life?  Is this what we should accept?  We are all human after all.  None of us is ever perfect. 

Yet,  Dear Diary (open heart moment) I feel I love with all of my heart.  I would never consider treating my loved one like that if they were also loving me with a whole heart. Yet in my years of loving people, not one has.  Not one has taken that decision to put me first.  Which leaves me with the question of what is love actually about?  Was I put on this earth to discover this and write stories about it?  I have some cracking books to write based on romance stories which were real…. I have also read some cracking stories.  Ones which allow me to become educated about the differences between men and women.  Books like men are from mars.  I get it.  We are different.  The same could be said for every human being.

This time in Gran Canaria was timed perfectly to get away to heal my heart.  I thought this could be something that naturally may happen.  Alas, this is not what I’m feeling.  All I see with my eyes around me and feel in my heart is a lack of love except for the rare case.  This makes me want to quit love.  My twins love me with all their beating hearts.  They would never consider trading me in for a new mum or go looking for a new mum would they?  They just wouldn’t.  No matter how tough things get.  Likewise I would never consider stopping making an effort for them and forgiving their wrong doings. 

Why can’t husbands and wives be the same?