Journalling lifes ups and downs #najowrimo

31^st July – the end of Najowrimo for this time.

As we head towards the end of this Najowrimo I can’t tell you of a time I ever felt more of a rollercoaster journey in my entire life. It’s more up and down than ever with stomach churning bumps along the way. 

Feeling more lost than ever before.  Confused and lost.

Personal life challenges are popping up in ways I had not envisaged.  Friends are, I feel, dropping off along the way as I complain consiousnessly.  They don’t reach out the same.  Is it me? Or them? Or the summer holidays perhaps. 

The questions I ask myself are these.

What is the job I should be doing?

Now, I know this answer, heck I coach people with the answer.  Yet here I sit wondering if I should still be chasing my tail around an NHS hospital helping others with their health when mine fails me enough to know this job can’t quite be achieved.

Should I be looking for love?

I’m guessing not.  If it’s to be found, it will find me I guess.

How long will my mum be with us on this earth?

Why do I question that? I should live every day with her as if it were her last.  Embracing her crazy ways,  listening to her famous laugh enough to store it in my memory forever. Then of course comes the mental funeral planning.  With this I have on occasions questioned my own mortality.

Will I be well enough to dance again?

My toes still tap.  But I miss dance.  Can’t speak any more about this.

Where did the girl go who I was?

Great question. I don’t know the answer.  Do we evolve so much in one lifetime that we lose our old selves?  Or can people do this to us?  If we allow them to, does this mean we can revert back to who we were? 

I was searching for more questions right then as I sit here in the coffee shop early on this drizzly morning.  Cyndi Lauper starts the music at 9am as the shops begin to open. 

Time after time.  

“If you’re lost you can look and you will find me.  Time after time.”

I could cry again. 

This crazy stupid thing called life is also so wonderful.  The lessons I have learned on my law of attraction journey show me that part of this journey is the ups and downs, otherwise everything seems grey, beige, vanilla…we get used to the stuff being good rather than when it’s good punching the air and shouting YESSSSS with that amazing belly feeling which leaves you smiling and excited.  But those downs can be a little meh.  Even the big guys, those real true gurus I watch go through it.  None of us humans are perfect. This we know to be true. 

Going through life, creating memories and sharing stories of things that happened in the past over a coffee or a wine (or even a pepsi max) is what I guess it’s all about.  Creating those memories and storing them is a must in my opinion.  Which is why I love to blog, vlog, take photos and journal.  Try it? 

Many things still remain a mystery to me.  Maybe I’m considered young.  There must still be lessons to be learned.  We all feel so often that we are fumbling through life just bumbling along but perhaps that’s the point.  What we must learn is to embrace the good and the bad.  My tears flow today still since the emotions of yesterdays funeral and listening to the amazing Euilogy.  My father in law fought in the war.  They offered him the union jack on the coffin and the last post to be played.  Thank god they declined.  The emotions of that to honour him would have been amazing but perhaps too much. 

My point here is my tears are flowing silently and I can’t stop them, just in the same way you sometimes can’t stop belly laughing even if you try.  These emotions just happen. 

Go with it. 

Create moments to relive in the rocking chair days of your life.