Sunday 23 July 2017

Shall I quit love? (A Najowrimo excert)

This excert is from my NaJoWrimo efforts as I write each day though July.  In this very open and honest post, you see me talking about why I'm thinking of quitting love.

Releasing this writing and all of July NaJo (with my personal snapshots) will be available in book form on  Amazon soon! Follow this page so you know when! 

July 14th

The Wonder of You

Strange dreams sees me awakening with an odd feeling inside my heart.  As a bride in the dream I was disappointed.  A five-minute ceremony with strangers I hardly knew left me wondering about love this morning.  Will I ever have it all?  Is there such a thing?  I watch couples on this holiday of a myriad of situations.  There is Elvis who sang Wonder of you to his wife at Karaoke in between using the microphone as an opportunity to publicly declare his love for this lady.  They were older than me, I would say late 50s and clearly had lots of love between them.

After Elvis left the stage, his wife pretty much ran from her seat to greet him with love and affection, cupping his face with her hands and planting a proper kiss on his lips.  Not proper as in French kissing but a real, heartfelt, true kiss.  She meant it.  No denying that.  They had a balance between being publically decent and showing true love.  A rare thing I feel these days.  Now when I look around the restaurant I generally see couples who have nothing to say to each other, seem disinterested or even at times one partially turns the chair away.  Of course there is the odd Tut when someone says something the other is frustrated with or has simply lost their tolerance to.  Why is that?  What happened between them?  Would it have been an affair?  Some other form of hurt which broke them forever and never quite allowed things to be the same way again.

Do you know of the film Love Actually?  Emma I forget her surname which is unforgivable as she is one of my favourite actresses yet its very early in the morning here who plays a wife who is very nearly cheated on by her husband (who buys the necklace for the secretary) at Christmas while the wife is left with the usual Jonie Mitchell CD  This realization moment is priceless as she heads to the bedroom to take a breathing moment before taking the children to the school nativity.  I cry everytime as the soft music accompanies this scene Ive looked at life from both sides now.  We fall in love with this character who seems to be the perfect mother and wife as well as sister for her grieving brother.  All things to all people as many mums are.  Yet the fact that the husband bought the necklace for the secretary (to be honest, I dont think he really wanted to at all.  It was all very awkward which would see the wife with reason to forgive him) the wife decided that she would blot her tears with the palm of her hand before taking a deep breath, painting a smile and going back to jollying the children along.  After a while we see her confront her husband with the classic line which is something like, Do you carry on, knowing it will always be a little bit broken?  What a cracking line.  It will always be a little bit broken. 

Im long enough in the tooth now to know what that line means.  You stay because its easier, because you love that person, because life gets complicated when you break up, yet; things are never the same.  Is this life?  Is this what we should accept?  We are all human after all.  None of us is ever perfect. 
Yet,  Dear Diary (open heart moment) I feel I love with all of my heart.  I would never consider treating my loved one like that if they were also loving me with a whole heart. Yet in my years of loving people, not one has.  Not one has taken that decision to put me first.  Which leaves me with the question of what is love actually about?  Was I put on this earth to discover this and write stories about it?  I have some cracking books to write based on romance stories which were real. I have also read some cracking stories.  Ones which allow me to become educated about the differences between men and women.  Books like men are from mars.  I get it.  We are different.  The same could be said for every human being.

This time in Gran Canaria was timed perfectly to get away to heal my heart.  I thought this could be something that naturally may happen.  Alas, this is not what Im feeling.  All I see with my eyes around me and feel in my heart is a lack of love except for the rare case.  This makes me want to quit love.  My twins love me with all their beating hearts.  They would never consider trading me in for a new mum or go looking for a new mum would they?  They just wouldnt.  No matter how tough things get.  Likewise I would never consider stopping making an effort for them and forgiving their wrong doings. 
Why cant husbands and wives be the same?


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