Friday 2 June 2017

When you're just not 'feeling it'

Here I sit, with this view.

Amazing sounds all around. I hear a cockerel crowing in the morning, along with the birds.  Occasional dog bark, I visualise him chasing the chickens.   Sun rises again.  A true miracle in itself.

Is it holiday mode?  Or is it fuelling my heart beat?  My soul being filled in its cup.

Nature.  How I love nature.

Writing,  creating films.  Funny little things really where we shoot stuff around us in the hope it will inspire some people to live their dreams.  Along side their dreams live my dreams.  This is my dream.  To travel, to write, to film.  Documenting stories.  Telling those stories.  All while enjoying another insomniac night...

Then up pops a message on Facebook,  another exam result is in.  Excited, I take a look.
Disappointed, I didn't pass.  Writing in my journal directly after the exam, "Loved that exam, smashed it. Definitely done enough to pass." Thinking I may get a first in the exam, I was gutted to see I couldn't even hit the pass mark.  Being honest with myself, my peers and the entire system, I'm just not feeling it.  I worked really hard for these exams and now it's feeling like it's over.

I could resit.  Could I do any better than I already did? Do I want to?  Do I want to carry on with this degree? For all the stress and ill health I have endured (all while putting my writing dream on the back burner) I'm just not sure it's what I want anymore.  The system has jaded me.  I feel the real me inside is dying as I gain weight, suffer inflammation, deal with hormone issues, don't sleep past 3am each morning.  Is it worth it? For a piece of paper which says I have a degree...then what? I continue doing what I'm doing now.  Writing and creating content for Youtube.

Lots of thinking to do.

No comments

Post a Comment

© Louise Usher. All rights reserved.