Sunday 3 June 2018

Being comfortable in your own skin

Sitting in Starbucks, drinking my almond latte with a dash of vanilla, dog at my feet.  I love that about Starbucks.  Harley gets his mini dish of water (I bring the dish, they supply the water) and I write.

Knowing writing is my absolute passion, I feel comfortable with myself now. A knowing is a powerful thing. Yet how can this journey have taken so long to get here?

Sitting close by me are some wonderfully turned-out beautiful women.  
Older than me.  
Looking good though.  
One of them, I totally know, is  a complete bitch. Never will I forget the time I had parked outside the school with my twins in the back in their new school uniforms.  It was literally breaking my heart to take them to school every day. Not only had I had a terrible time at school and hated it but now I simply didn't like the pressure they gave to these tiny human beings.  
They were so small and lovely.  
4 years old.  
So, back to the day. We had been rushing, I had ensured a healthy breakfast, packed lunches at the ready, 'ponytail plaits' for Jasmine as she called them and making sure Nathan had a coat with a hood on it as all the other children had a coat with a hood and he was upset that he didn't. So you imagine the scene.  And yes, I'm a single mother with a very large and hairy German Shepherd dog and need to hoover constantly - (those small details). We arrived and YES! there was a parking space.  Yet one of these women who now sit across Starbucks from me gave me the most dirty look, shook her head as if to say no and tutted in a 'tut tut tut tut tut tut tut' fashion.  
Much yelling followed telling me I can't park here and knowing I had to move the car also meant my twins might be late for school which they never were. Now I overhear her (talking like a bitch still) sitting in Starbucks with the ironed shirt and collar up, looking like her hair was styled by the same stylist who tends to Samantha from Sex in the City.  Here I sit with my hay fever eyes (no make up, puffy and watering), a big bite -of some description- on my neck (not passion related) and curly hair literally scooped up in a ponytail.  Once upon a time I would have sat here literally wincing. Completely worrying about what I looked like.   

Not now. 

I hear her, "Well, look I'm not being funny but...." and that look down her nose and lots of cackling in with the conversation. 
Yet here I am with my son joining me for morning coffee, my dog happy at my feet and doing a 'job' i totally love, safe in the knowledge that I truly have found the person who I want to be and I'm comfortable with that.  There's nothing quite like going on a journey and ending up in a destination which is actually more than ok.  

Today, I pat myself on the back.  That day, she made me crumble and I was in a mess for the rest of the day.  Most likely wobbly for the entire week.  I'm not sure now. I forget.  But her and her 'parking attendant' critical self can carry on tutting for all she likes.  I'd far rather be the hippy, loving mum that I was then and am now. 

Sitting here not caring if she notices me and thinks, "Look at the state of that." Is a massive step forward for me.  What has changed?  I'm not totally sure I can put that into words  here on this page.  Saying that, it's almost like I now don't need people's validation. I know I have a place on this earth and good things to offer.  My gifts are here to help others, without judgement.  Learning from people like our Samantha wannabe exactly how 'not to' be with other people has brought me to an open place of non judgemental caring.  Thank goodness for those people who have brought me here before it's too late to make a difference.
Time now to help those who need me.  They are, strangely, coming in thick and fast right now. People reaching out to ask for help, needing to see me and talk about things, to be on Skype, to email me.  Even a little messenger message.  I want to make a difference for those who need it. In whatever tiny way I can.  Being able to draw upon my own stories is really a wonderful gift in a manifestation type of way. 

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