Saturday 30 June 2018

Camp NaNoWriMo starts tomorrow - this is how I'm feeling

The last day of June means July 1st Tomorrow and the start of Camp NaNoWriMo! I'm excited to give myself a target to reach and also a little nervous as I do have some trips booked and an entire host of video editing to do for my Youtube channel before that.  I promised myself this would be done before I was shooting off to the airport.  So what is stopping me from being on top of my game?  Shall I tell you?  This is quite a vunerable thing to share...

Since finishing university my body has been over run with different infections and the fatigue has been so consuming that to plan a journey past a half hour drive has at times felt impossible. These grumbles also seem to go hand in hand with terrible mental health issues for me which is something I would gladly wave a magic wand at and get over it.  If you have even remotely suffered depression or anxiety you will understand this feeling. You can't control it no matter how you try.  For me, I have learnt through my science degree that 90% of the serotonin we make comes from the gut and with my issues of inflammatory bowel disease I am pretty sure my gut could be in better shape than currently.  Sure I'm taking my probiotics and they definitely do help.  So I'm giving in and sleeping lots and I suspect right now it would be a good time to try as best I can to surround myself with those people I love and trust to be sweet and lovely to me. Petting my furry baby Harley always helps and you know how they just love you so unconditionally in a way we all know humans could learn from. 
Trying to eat as little as possible to give my digestive system a break is something that's recommended when you have crohns. So I'm trying that.  But when you are a true 'foodie' it's hard.  Another reason to feel blue.  Sugar is the enemy when you have gut issues and bacteria love to thrive on the white stuff so I'm trying to cut that out as best I can...sigh....anyhow I have really digressed there.

Sometimes these issues with the brain definitely help to keep me on track.  Let me try and explain. You see I have started to converse over on twitter with many writer types and often you will find people who love to write may sometimes love being on their own typing away with their own words.  Sometimes with a mind rather like mine.  Anxious or over thinkers. Some days 'we' have no choice but to be at home with our words.  Yet I can't tell you how long I have given myself a hard time for trying to live the dream.  Strange really that my playlist has just played 'A million Dreams' from The Greatest Showman!

A dilemma i have is this: I've been offered a wonderful (but likely very stressful) research project.  There is money attached and a wonderful chance to make a difference in the world of diabetes.  I'm tempted and it will be a great challenge.  Yet am I up to it?  Can I do it without crumbling?  You see I sense being stuck between a rock and hard place is something that I must recognise where I am.  While loving the life of trying to get back to more writing/editing and working on my health at the gym, including walking the dog and all these other things that see me smiling it doesn't feel like work.

Which leaves me doubting the acceptability of doing it as a job....which is exactly what I teach others they must follow those dreams.

NaNoWriMo will see me committing to 30,000 words which is 1000 a day and I'm going to start working back on the book I have left alone for about 4 years now. It's called Happiness in vitro and I'm super excited to get this one published but I want to get that first draught under my belt and work super hard on perfecting it.  By the end of July we hope I have achieved what I need to achieve in my writing.  I do love it.  I promise I will aim to keep posting on this blog too as I simply love blogging. I have more blogs than is normal for a person!  Without sounding too crazy, I simply feel like 'me' when I'm writing.  

Something I can't deny.

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