Sunday 22 January 2017

What am I doing to my family with my anxiety?


They drive me bananas.  I can't help it despite my very best efforts to try.  The law of attraction has me wondering.  How can I know what I know about the vibrational energy, have anxious thoughts and be left with terrible things happening to my loved ones?

This time 17 years ago I was being induced and bringing two beautiful new souls into the world.  This time last year I had just heard devastating news about my lovely Dad, just one floor below the joyous maternity unit.  Then fast forward to today and here I have sat all week at the bedside of my lovely Mum in intensive care.  Bless her.  She has pretty big heart issues and I'm not sure what God was thinking when he dealt just the one heart...

Maybe after losing Dad and my brother at the age of 31, I can't help thinking the worst but I really feel I need to stop these thoughts.  
Am I manifesting?

No.  In a word you cannot manifest stuff that isn't meant to happen.  While we know what The Secret says,  there are bigger forces guiding us in directions we are supposed to travel.  

Quit the worry and the anxiety.  Try and find something good in every day.  My good part of the day was holding mums hand.  The bruises changing colour every day following her angioplasty, her wrinkled skin showing the folds for every year she washed up without marigolds. Her wisdom escaping her as she makes up new stories and creates confusion with her symptoms among staff.  

"Oh Margaret I do love your spirit." Smiles the genius nurse as she delivers the commode with a courtesy. "Here is the throne ma'am." As if mum was the Queen. 

Returning with a fresh jug of cold water for mum to drink, the nurse thanks me with honest gratitude for helping.  Well, that's my mum.  I should take care of her.  I should help her.  I must help her.  Please God let her come home.  Please God don't take her on my twins birthday.  Please God grant me the patience to take care of her, the strength to do so and the practical fluff that goes with caring for someone.

Do I work?  Do I quit?  Does the universe wish for me to write full time and create my Youtube full time?  
University has been skipped right when we are learning all about Mucosal immunity.  Perfect for my subject of choice, Crohns and stuff...I could do some online, I could read at the bedside.  Days roll into one as the bedside gets so busy.  Doctor comes around with the always-unused stethoscope, draped around his neck, floating with the keen registrars in his shadow.  Beautiful English accent with hair needing shampooing,  he floats in and floats out like the genius he is.

Chatting in the relatives room there is an air of sadness.  The reality of the circle of life hits home.  Will our loved ones pull through?  How do we live without them?  Comforting a man with red eyes just by asking how he is gives me a sense of helping while words escape me.  There are no words. I tell him, "I have no words, yet I do feel your pain."

Thank God my Scott seems over his panic with his myocarditis.  

All I can do here and now is give my mum the laughs she so loves,  moisturise her and get a flannel to wash and all these other things that come with such hopeless practicalities.  

Deep breath;  meditate.

Louise xoxo



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