My son and the driving test.

Having twins in 2000 meant 2017 would always be about driving. 
What's a mum to do? You want to keep them safe, you want them to learn, you don't particularly want them on buses in this local area. Yet yawning from playing taxi driver, I feel a little old for all this. 

Remembering how I used to lie awake at night in those early days, counting my thudding heartbeats, (unaware it was anxiety) I'm thankful to see them grow into adults. 
Sweet twins. Super sensible. Me and their Dad remind them they need to mindread those drivers who fail to indicate.

Who's more nervous?  Him or me. 
I'm not kidding my heart is thumping in my chest and my legs are non exsistant/jelly like. 

Nathan is on his driving test. This is EVERYTHING. We have worked so hard and focused. Despite only turning 17 three months ago, it feels important to get a pass. 
Please universe, get him passed. 

Super safe in his driving, he seemed nervous this morning as he practiced. 

Me aiming to be the perfect parent, keeping calmer than calm through my driving instructor moments. Knowing there is another twin to get to this stage.  Yet it's not all selfless love. 
Spending time as a taxi, taking them safely to the places they need to be takes me away from my life of ambition at times. 

Glad to keep them safe (of course) my eyes seldom roll as they ask me for a lift. Always politely. Never assuming. My awesome twins. I adore them. I'd give them the world. Happily. 

Yet how long is this 40 minutes test going to seem? The instructor, a small chap with a big smile, seemed nice. Nathan didn't even look back. 
All I can do in my moment of worry is type and write. 
Usually social media would be my friend at this time but the secrecy of the driving test means we sit and write a blog post instead. 

So 8:28. He left at 8:10. Reading the number plate on the way out. Then clearly doing the show me/tell me questions as I see the wiper blades begin to career across the windscreen. Yes! They asked him that question. 
Off he pulled (perfectly) and took a right turn onto the famous Tesco roundabout. That's good news! He knows that junction from that side. 

Now I wait...

For what seemed like forever, I watched the cars turning both right and left into the road ahead of me.  Until finally a snowy white car turned seamlessly into the road.  Parking forwards into the bay, they pulled up.  As I watched the examiner creating signals which I could only read as instructions on how to move through roundabouts more competently.  Oh no.  No.  Noooo.
The passenger door cracked open.  Time for me to head out into the car park.  Expecting a sad and upset son, I was bracing myself for how to give the perfect reaction to an unsuccessful drive...

A smile.
A certificate.
Bright eyes.
Glowing aura.

"You passed?" I squealed. I looked to the examiner who said little but a wide smile said everything.
He nodded.  
"Oh well deserved Nathan. I'm so proud of you! Well done.  Oh god, I can't believe it. You passed!"

Greeted with a warm hug which told me I was the best mum in his world who helped him to pass,  we headed off to get him insured as a qualified driver.

Happy times!

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What am I doing to my family with my anxiety?

Thoughts.

They drive me bananas.  I can't help it despite my very best efforts to try.  The law of attraction has me wondering.  How can I know what I know about the vibrational energy, have anxious thoughts and be left with terrible things happening to my loved ones?

This time 17 years ago I was being induced and bringing two beautiful new souls into the world.  This time last year I had just heard devastating news about my lovely Dad, just one floor below the joyous maternity unit.  Then fast forward to today and here I have sat all week at the bedside of my lovely Mum in intensive care.  Bless her.  She has pretty big heart issues and I'm not sure what God was thinking when he dealt just the one heart...
Maybe after losing Dad and my brother at the age of 31, I can't help thinking the worst but I really feel I need to stop these thoughts.  
Am I manifesting?

No.  In a word you cannot manifest stuff that isn't meant to happen.  While we know what The Secret says,  there are bigger forces guiding us in directions we are supposed to travel.  

Quit the worry and the anxiety.  Try and find something good in every day.  My good part of the day was holding mums hand.  The bruises changing colour every day following her angioplasty, her wrinkled skin showing the folds for every year she washed up without marigolds. Her wisdom escaping her as she makes up new stories and creates confusion with her symptoms among staff.  
"Oh Margaret I do love your spirit." Smiles the genius nurse as she delivers the commode with a courtesy. "Here is the throne ma'am." As if mum was the Queen. 

Returning with a fresh jug of cold water for mum to drink, the nurse thanks me with honest gratitude for helping.  Well, that's my mum.  I should take care of her.  I should help her.  I must help her.  Please God let her come home.  Please God don't take her on my twins birthday.  Please God grant me the patience to take care of her, the strength to do so and the practical fluff that goes with caring for someone.
Do I work?  Do I quit?  Does the universe wish for me to write full time and create my Youtube full time?  
University has been skipped right when we are learning all about Mucosal immunity.  Perfect for my subject of choice, Crohns and stuff...I could do some online, I could read at the bedside.  Days roll into one as the bedside gets so busy.  Doctor comes around with the always-unused stethoscope, draped around his neck, floating with the keen registrars in his shadow.  Beautiful English accent with hair needing shampooing,  he floats in and floats out like the genius he is.

Chatting in the relatives room there is an air of sadness.  The reality of the circle of life hits home.  Will our loved ones pull through?  How do we live without them?  Comforting a man with red eyes just by asking how he is gives me a sense of helping while words escape me.  There are no words. I tell him, "I have no words, yet I do feel your pain."
Thank God my Scott seems over his panic with his myocarditis.  

All I can do here and now is give my mum the laughs she so loves,  moisturise her and get a flannel to wash and all these other things that come with such hopeless practicalities.  

Deep breath;  meditate.

Louise xoxo

Routine and direction - things are exciting and FRIGHTENING

You lovely readers!!!

You have put a great big BIG smile on my face! Seeing the stats as I logged in to write this post has given me even more positivity and confirmation than I already had.

Thank you

Thank you

Thank You

You're all so gorgeous.


As you have seen, yesterday my miracle twins started college.  Did you read about the anxiety I had with wondering if I would see them grow up?  It seemed so far away in the future yet now - Boom!

Well, they had a blast on their first day, making new friends,  bumping into old friends, becoming independent by finding locker keys (I warned Jasmine no photos of Troy Boulton inside!) and getting bus passes.

Then came the timetables and the inspiration for this post.

Timetables to rule the next few months by.  We are all going to be so busy.  My university timetable (our campuses are right next door to each other!) is packed and both the twins were aghast that they have days they are working 8.30 til 6.  Wow.  Now the thing is, I have a chance to get working during that time when they will be needing nothing from me except silence and a long distance love in my heart.  

Right as I realised things are going to get busy for us all, I realised I also had to organise home help, dog sitter and maybe a little more home help.  Along with easy cook dinners.  Oh yes.  It's going to be dinner, bath, EastEnders and bed I think!
However, bang on time (thank you universe) I met up with Stacey.  I love her.  She's my right hand girl, helper and PA.  

Ordering healthy dinners and pen poised we sat in our local restaurant after much hugging (it's been far too long since we saw each other).  We knew we needed to make this a productive meeting.  Of course there was some gossip (we are girls!) and lots of planning for the future.

This might not seem so much of a shock to you all but we have decided to focus on my nutrition business.  Haha.  Why do people roll their eyes?  I have worried about the politics of nutrition but I know what I know and I also am sure I can help people!

So what's the frightening bit?  The lack of down time.  The mess that my house is sure to become.  The constant tail chasing but I am confident it is all a great move in the right direction!



Routine must become my new best friend as I fill my diary with appointments and timetables.  

Are you feeling more of a sense of purpose and routine now the children have gone back to school?

With love, as always

Louise xoxo

My twins are off to college!

Yes that's right, it's super hard to believe but my lovely children are off to college.



It seems just yesterday I was crying over another negative pregnancy test (yet also seems a lifetime ago so how does that work?!) and now here I am proudly waving them off to college.



I'm super excited for them, truth be told.



As a single mum of two little babies I did spend a lot of time in a panic.  What if something happened to me?  What if they had no one to take care of them?  Not only did I want to be there every step of the way but they needed a parent to bring them up too!  Honestly, there is this long story where I used to sit in bed at night trying to take my pulse as I could feel my heart racing.

Three times I ended up in the A and E being tested for heart issues.  I now know this was purely anxiety.  I refuse to say 'only' as anxiety and 'only' do not belong in the same sentence.  If you are a sufferer you will know that!  Anyhow, it wasn't without leaving scars on my health but I'm generally ok.  Enough to be a reasonably good mum (I hope the twins would agree).



My time at college (I had 7 years of it during my lifetime) was so much more amazing than school.  I hated school.  Bullies and silly people made life miserable.  So I was pleased to get my teeth stuck into college.

My two have loved school but are super excited for college.



I'm excited for them too!



Much love



Louise xoxo

Winter walk on the beach

An uphill climb sometimes?

Life had been overly busy.

As usual, frantic times were to be had in the Usher household. 

Too much to do, not enough time to do it.  The usual kind of thing you would find in any house.  Feeling a little overwhelm and sadness along with a good pinch of resentment coming in; I realised.  

It was definitely time.

Time to get out in nature and blow away the cobwebs.  I didn't seem to mind that it was the middle of winter.  Nor did it matter to me that it might be amazingly cold on the beach. 

Pulling up the handbrake of the car, tired eyes grew wide as we looked down to the beach below.  Tidal seas had taken the water far away from the beach, leaving playful rock pools to explore and just the right amount of depth for small furry paws to dip.


The beach was going to host us on this day and that was that!

The brightest of blue skies

Harley was keen to come and get his feet wet and  a coat full of sand.  That was just fine.  We all needed our legs stretched and i had decided we would make it a very long walk!

Small paw prints on the golden sand.

Margate Clock tower.

Sun blazing, the sky was as blue as the equatic skies.  Lucky with the warmth, we could not quite fathom the weather.  This was February.  The time of year when spring begins but to have felt the warmth on our skin was amazing.  

Aching feet but happy souls, we walked several miles.  Even Harleys little legs. 

Just what the universe needed us to do.  Get grounded.  Be in the nature.

Without taking time to stock, things can go bang.  

Until the next bit of pressure of time, or unpleasantness that can so often be coupled with human beings, I was in a state of calm.  The natural surroundings of our local beach in Kent had healed once again.

I love this place.  Goodness does it know how to talk nicely to people.

Wordless.

Just its energy.  It's feeling.

Thank you, nature.

Twin hike

A work in progress, restoring the wonderful Margate

Taking a moment.  Taking stock. 

Long shadows in the winter sun. 

This fella watching over the sea.  Inhabitants behind forget to. 

Hello!!!! Is it me you're looking for?

I've missed you guys!

How ARE you?

Where have I been?  

Oh,  you know,  stuff......  been doing more business stuff.  Drumming up work,  making a living.  This blog might do that one day and nothing will make me happier,  meanwhile I will keep writing here for pleasure.

My update:

*Still no visa news.  My gorgoeus fiance and I are still patiently waiting to find out if we can be together soon.

*I've lost a bit of weight.  I've been asked to get involved with a weight loss group (used to do this before,  shall i blog about it?  Answers below) which means another bit of work which I love.  Obviously it motivated me to lose a couple of lbs which crept on as they do.

*Having a nice time this summer,  enjoying the weather.  Thinking of throwing mum a  birthday party but she's not well right now.

*Twins are having teenage sleep overs all the time right now.  Which is fine.  I'm fine.  No,  really,  I'm fine!

*Decided to make more desk time which will be more productive now I'm not needed in the same way for my twins.

What you all been up to?

Kids growing up - My twins

Long ago,  in a time which seems like yesterday,  I cradled my miracle IVF twins on their Christening day.

Can you imagine how proud I was on this day.  I never thought the day would come.  9 years of trying,  injections,  tests, operations and the like finally brought me my gorgeous twins.

A girl and a boy.

JACKPOT!

Feeling blessed every step of the way,  I can say hand on heart I'm one lucky mother.  They are a really sweet pair of children.  Today though,  they are growing up.  So much so that the time I booked off to spend with them on these summer holidays I'm finding myself ever so slightly redundant.  Most mums would scream: "Yesssss.... more coffee shop time!"

Leaving me in a place of, "What now?" Can be a little overwhelming.  My twins very much still need me so I can't go far and it's certainly not time to tour the country with work as I did pre-twins.  So here I am thinking,  "I need more right now."  

Wondering what that is,  I took a phone call from one of my best friends in the world,  Lulu.  She's wise.  Her response after I told her all my thoughts and how I'm loving writing more but still going with my business she said,
"My answer when you have several balls in the air is keep them in the air until such a time as you begin to drop one,  cos that's the time it isn't working."
Great point.  So here I am,  being a bit of a mum,  a salon consultant, writer and blogger.  Does writer and blogger come in as one?

Sad but cute thing:  My twins are very aware of me being alone until I finally greet Mo at the airport.  They often check on me to see I'm ok.  They are cute.  Bless them.  We will always be close and I know that will never change.  Leaving them to spread their wings is one of the hardest part of parenting.

Maybe it's time for some more babies.....