2am? It gets more crazy. Why don't I sleep? Excitement? Just don't need it? Hmm, not sure I can say the latter as I haven't been feeling so well of late. The crohns is nudging me to remind me it's still lurking.
"Don't take me for granted." It calls. I know, I hear you.
We are friends now, me and Crohns. It's part of my life. A part I know I don't have to give too much attention to as I read the newest book in my library, "You are the placebo."
Yet, as I try hard to gain control of my tummy issues recently, I nervously pack for holiday.
Needing lots of care and attention to what I might take for appropriateness, I curse myself as once again I failed to take care of myself as much as I had promised this past week.
"Get to the gym." I ordered.
"Use the sunbed." I decided. Making myself look more healthy generally helps with the mindset of feeling like I am healthy. Still, fatigue took over and made me a spoonie once again.
Intending to walk at as much speed as my tired legs will carry me, I'll help those cells get the oxygen they need from the sea air as I take to my holidays.
Knowing this might be the first one in a long time (or should that be last one?) I pack armed with books and kindle and all things to help me relax.
The stress of university exams has hardly seemed worth it to be honest. The stress it has taken on my body is a hefty price to pay. Trying on the new clothes I bought for holiday I hardly recognised the woman staring back at me in the mirror. Who is she? My mum?
Aging and losing the body that I would now love to have (wishing I had realised that way back when I looked more healthy than this) I am convinced I can get back to the place I was 3 years ago when my body was feeling better than now.
Surely hard work and paying attention to health can get those muscle tones back again. 'They' keep telling me in the medical world I need to take this and that, have this medication, this procedure, give up on the hard working life I lead. Yet surely I could take a different approach and slowly get those fitness levels back again.
Not sleeping doesn't help. Gladly, I gave up my room when mum came to live with us. Yet I know it is taking its toll on my health. We need to create more space. Yet for the next 15 nights (would you include tonight still, although the dawn chorus is beginning?) I have a bed, some space to walk around naked, which in turn means I can moisturise to my hearts content. Well, who likes to do that then get dressed? Be honest. Ewww.
Holiday mode. I feel blessed and lucky. I have lots to read. Lots to fill my mind with self help. Cringe if you must but it makes me feel positive and bright for the future.
Knowing I have time to delete the 11,000 emails that have accumulated in my inbox while writing blogs and editing videos for the next couple of weeks, I know I am fuelling my passion. The visitors to this blog have shown me with their feet they are out there. In turn the universe allows me to believe this can of course be the full time gig. I LOVE it. Thank you for reading! And subscribing to my youtube!
Holiday time. Here I sit at crazy o'clock and write. After a particularly strange meal at dinner last night (I expected too much from Thyme at the Premier inn) I'm feeling a little the worse for wear. Heading off to an all inclusive resort for our holiday, I know I will have to use restraint and make careful food choices around my crohns. Often limited, I must avoid the french fries. They are way too 'carby' for me! Sometimes, the brits complain on trip advisor that it was the fries that saved them from starvation. Hmm, lets see what we can do! Watch this space to follow our journey!
Much love, as always
Louise xoxo
